June 8th, 2014 12:16am
I have been having really bad nightmares
Again, worse than usual and I keep waking up in a cold sweat and panicking, reaching for someone who can never be there for me. Everyone always gives up on me. Am I really not worth it? Am I not worth the fight? The effort? The time? All I do is drive people away. It's the only think I am good at.. Maybe if I drive everyone away again, I can go into my dark place. Because at least there I can't be a disappointment or get disappointed. I wish I could leave like everyone else. Unfortunately I can't leave myself. Maybe if I let people go, then I can let myself go, I can get the balls to make those cuts, swallow those pills, not come back up for air and just feel the life drain out of me.. Saw my baby bro tonight. Haven't seen him in a year and he told me that I was far, and that my hair was ugly. It got to me more than it should. I just wanna crawl into my damn corner and die there. I am trying so hard but it is never enough.. Date is till set for the 27th unless I find a reason to keep trying.. 22.5 days clean. I hope I can make it to tomorrow.. I can't take this shit anymore..
Again, worse than usual and I keep waking up in a cold sweat and panicking, reaching for someone who can never be there for me. Everyone always gives up on me. Am I really not worth it? Am I not worth the fight? The effort? The time? All I do is drive people away. It's the only think I am good at.. Maybe if I drive everyone away again, I can go into my dark place. Because at least there I can't be a disappointment or get disappointed. I wish I could leave like everyone else. Unfortunately I can't leave myself. Maybe if I let people go, then I can let myself go, I can get the balls to make those cuts, swallow those pills, not come back up for air and just feel the life drain out of me.. Saw my baby bro tonight. Haven't seen him in a year and he told me that I was far, and that my hair was ugly. It got to me more than it should. I just wanna crawl into my damn corner and die there. I am trying so hard but it is never enough.. Date is till set for the 27th unless I find a reason to keep trying.. 22.5 days clean. I hope I can make it to tomorrow.. I can't take this shit anymore..
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