June 30, 2020 - Thinking

     I've been much more active online recently, which is uncharacteristic of me. I was always sort of a lurker. I think it was a manifestation of that feeling of being weak and at the bottom- I didn't feel my thoughts mattered, and I was afraid of backlash. But as I comment more, whether it's on animal pictures or politics, I find that my ideas are respected just as much as anyone else's. It's been an interesting excercise, to engage in these discussions.

     Lately I'm burningly aware of every little bit of uncaring and indiscretion shown by my parents.

      For example, the other day I made a joke/remark at the dinner table, which apparently offended my dad and caused him to start going on a tirade. I quickly exited the situation, but I heard him continue to shout for another 20 minutes. When discussing with my mother afterwards, I was struck with how unfair the situation was. I had brought up how he had reacted in an overly sensitive way, and asked if I had done anything wrong. She answered no in a roundabout way, but then said that we should be empathetic of him because he is family. I said that if I'd done what he did I would be crucified, and she didn't answer. Empathetic and forgiving my ass. I know what would happen if I'd yelled and disrupted our dinner, because I've done it before. I was followed upstairs and beaten then scolded. Also, what if he had been yelling at her and not me? He would have been cowed into silence so fast he would not get one word out. 

     The ultimate crowning sarcasm was that my dad didn't talk to me for two days, then came into my room today and told me, "don't be so sensitive, you're so angry at me all the time. We're okay, right?" So, you blow up for 20 minutes while I try to deescalate the situation, but I'm the angry and sensitive one. 

     It's obvious my wants are not valued as much as theirs are. Now that I look back, there have been many times my wants and needs have been swept under the rug. This systematic imbalance between my dad and I has always existed. If I was cramping, no big deal, just deal with it while we go shopping. If I was sick, just go to school, you can't afford to miss a day. If I was tired or in a bad mood, I still had to sit through everything they said or I was being rude and a bad daughter.

     I'm exhausted today. I cooked dinner for my family today, and it took me upwards of two hours of chopping and frying and boiling. I feel like I got only the barest of acknowledgement for it. Many parents would be delighted at their children teaching themselves to cook, and even more so at coming home to their child's hot food. I feel proud of myself for learning. But, as always, I am unsupported in this venture, surrounded by apathy in the one place where I should be surrounded by caring. 

     So, whatever. Discussions on my parents could go on forever and ever. 

     I've been thinking of posting on the boards here on DS, but there's just something about these private little journals that people need to go out of their way to find that appeals to me more. This way I don't feel like I'm crying for attention, or taking it away from the people who really need it. I feel a little lonely talking to myself, here... but time alone to organize my thoughts without judgement is good too. Right now though, I feel very lonely.