June 25th 2011

No sure if it's the depression, life, or that I stopped taking my meds...But I'm not happy. Well, I'm never happy but lately it's been worse. I feel myself getting more frustrated with people, and my thoughts are back to keeping me up at night. I cry for no reason (other times I know why) And I'm so sick of people asking me what's wrong or why I look so sad. I really want to stop taking my meds and honestly was slowly beginning to feel this way before I stopped taking them, so I'm inclined to think that this isn't just because I stopped taking them. I don't feel like I have sat down and had a conversation with a friend in a long time, so maybe it's because I feel as though I'm holding things in. I try, but I think because of the long gap now I feel like no one is really listening to me anymore.
Nothing new has really happened. The older that I get the more embarrassed I become of myself. I haven't really achieved anything in my lifetime and I have no plans to fix that...Mostly because I don't know how.It seems that every attempt is a failure...And only sets me back even farther. I'm tired of people telling me it's going to bet better because I'm 23 and it still hasn't. I don't feel like I really matter to anyone. Maybe when people try I feel suffocated...Or I can just sense they are lying to make me stop crying. I think I'm so far in a fantasy that things are really better for other people that I'm disgusted with everything God gave me. Or maybe it does suck for everyone else too, in which case I should just shut up and take it...