June 25, 2020 - Keeping busy

     A staple of my life seems to be keeping busy with something every day. Even in quarantine I was always finding something to do. In the last couple weeks I was dropping off on the productivity, as it was getting more difficult to find things to do, and for what felt like the first time in my life I let go. I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend and just having fun, playing games, excercising, watching videos. It was great, really great, but I always had that sneaky knowing in the back of my brain that knew I couldn't do it forever, and the horrible feeling of being dragged in. I know if I'd kept doing it I wouldn't want to come out, and even this week as I transitioned back to a busier schedule I felt a lot of stress and anxiety in not being able to play games and take long breaks whenever i wanted. 

      Nowadays I'm busy with a bunch of stuff. I cook dinner for my family a couple times a week. Five days a week, I do strength and/or cardio workouts for 30-60+ minutes, and I walk my dog on off days. I've been keeping up a caloric deficit for slow weight loss, so every day I stay mindful of what I eat, and I'm always researching nutrition and fitness. I crochet. I review driver's ed so I can take another shot at my license. I try to figure out what in the world is going on with my college enrollment, they have been very nontransparent with their plans for the fall quarter, and prepare for college. At some point this summer I want to apply for an actual part-time job, or continue tutoring kids in my neighborhood. I've also been drawing backgrounds for a pretty intense animatic project, on and off.

      I continue to talk to my friends and my boyfriend, and I hang out with him a couple times a week. Keeping up a social life helps me stay mentally healthy. I juggle my mental health always, staying conscious of how I'm feeling and changing my activities accordingly. I've been struggling with heavy dissociation and anxiety lately, but I'm continuing to fight. 

      One thing I haven't been doing a whole lot of lately is drawing. I've always fought creative anxiety, and it's something I still struggle with. As it is, I find making art very stressful and draining, so I just haven't been doing it. I want to overcome it someday, I'm thinking in college being forced to draw all the time for a couple years will definitely help. When my load lightens up I want to get back into it, to discovering myself through art, and finally exploring what I want to do.