June 24, 2020 - Missing out on childhood and family experiences

Lately, I have felt much more when I think about everything I missed out on when it comes to family, and my childhood.

I've realized that I don't have a single member of my family I am close to. My strategy as a child, preteen, and teen was to distance myself from both of them as much as possible, so I get the feeling I'm somewhat to blame for this. I've always struggled with the feeling of being lost and alone in the world, and this to me explains why. I think it also at least partially explains why my friends who also struggle with mental healthy and harsh family situations seem to not be as affected as me. Or, there's a good chance I just don't see them at their worst. 

I feel so robbed of something I should have had, even though normally I would tell myself I can't be robbed of something that was just never given to me. I think it's because I've been hanging around my amazing boyfriend's family so much, and they seem to be everything I didn't have and wish I had. My boyfriend has many godparents and relatives that he sees like once a month, he grew up with cousins with whom he horsed around and watched TV with, his mother is so involved in his health and concerns, they celebrate each others birthdays with crowds of relatives, and cheers, he tells me he has fond memories of his childhood. I feel devastated that I never had any of that. My three-person family was never one for extravagance, or celebrations, or even anything exciting/outof the ordinary. And, like I already said, we're not that close to each other anyway. Our few relatives that live close, we don't see often, and the rest are in China for god's sake. Even when we do see each other it seems to me like a lot of formality and forced interactions. And, I'm realizing that I grew up with absentee parents. My parents stopped doing those emotional bonding things for me at a very young age (my father never had much of a role in caring for me at all) and expected me to take care of myself. My mom took/takes care of my basic needs (though lately I've been transitioning to doing that myself) such as cooking and cleaning, though this feels very robotic and obligatory, not coming from a place of care but of obligation. I remember bathing myself and reading bedtime stories to myself when I was 5. I remember wandering around the house when I was 4, lonely and bored, and my parents snapped at me if I bothered them. They were very busy with their jobs, they had had bustling careers ahead of them when I, an accident, was born. I think they didn't want to stop for me. 

When I look back on my childhood, I feel confusion, and sadness, and frustration with the world and everything, feeling like my life was puzzle pieces that never fit together. Maybe my idea of my childhood has shifted over the years to fit my narrative, through selectively remembering some things and forgetting others. But I know that some things are all too real, that feeling of frustration and anger and hopelessness at the world as a child is not something I could have made up. 

I feel like I missed out. I want to be huddled under a blanket in the dark with a dozen cousins, gossiping, or giving each other advice on what junior high will be like, what high school will be like. I want to go to a family gathering and laugh with my uncles, petting the family pets, slapping each other on the back, dancing and holding hands to the light of a flaming grill or bonfire. I want to look back and remember the times my mother was worried for me when I was sick, or proud of me when I brought home straight As, or getting begrudgingly put in a bathtub. 

I know it's not all fun and games. My boyfriend tells me that he was disciplined a lot too as a kid, and they had money problems. But I can't imagine that it could have been worse than the progression of my life to this point, from a child's developemental standpoint. 

It feels crushing. Because it's not something I can go back and fix, it's set in stone, I feel the effects every day. And it wasn't my fault, I was stuck with this from the get-go, and I'm stuck with healing from something I never signed up for, I can't look back and look at where I went wrong and work on myself because I did NOTHING wrong. And watching a healthy family going about their business, knowing that I'm not a part of that, has been so crushing. 

Alligators should never be pets to inexperienced owners, and oftentimes this would occur in the 70s and 80s. They would be purposefully underfed and kept in very small tanks, and never grow to be the 8 foot long adept predators they should have been. It's never the alligators fault, but they were simply stunted and deformed by something out of their control. I feel like these alligators, I was purposefully "stunted" so I could be easier to "keep". My mental, some physical, and emotional needs were neglected, and when I spoke out I was slowly, insidiously and systematically silenced through gaslighting, guilting, and manipulation. As a result I was a very easy child. I didn't want much, and didn't cause much trouble, and I was obedient to a T to everything my parents wanted, even slaving away at the cost of my mental health and to the point of being suicidal in high school. 

And that, all of that, is why I've been thinking more about my family and childhood lately. 

As an extra, I went clothes-shopping with my boyfriend and his mom recently, it felt so strange not being picked on and invalidated the entire time, I had trouble picking out clothes because I'm not used to being able to pick out what I want. And his mom was so sweet and excited, she kept finding clothes for me and asking what I thought, she'd tell me, "this would look so cute on you". When I was nervous to buy new swimwear she asked the employee for help for me. The employee thought we were actually related.                     

I bought a sort of foresty green sleeveless dress that I liked, and wore it today. My actual mom told me I should mind myself and buy something with sleeves next time. Her point was that my shoulders are fat and ugly and I should cover up my "weak points". My dad followed up by telling me that I have to lose weight and get a waist. I told him I oughta punch him. I've been trying to do that for two weeks, with no one in my family noticing or caring. On top of that, I've struggled with body issues for my entire life because of his comments. When I think about it, it all seems like a big slap in the face.