June 18th

Confusing, bad-feeling day. Sorting out thoughts. 

I woke up at 5am, unable to go back to sleep for two and a half hours which I spent on my phone. I texted Emily who was surprised I was up so early. I felt ashamed to not have just gotten up and started my day. I ended up falling back asleep around 8 and waking up at 10 to my mom rousing me to do the morning shopping we agreed on. 

My mom was in a bad mood today. It felt bad to be around her. We were out for about two hours. I drove to a mall, and we wandered around a bit. I bought a skirt and a cute top but they ended up being way more expensive than I thought for my mom which I felt bad about. We then drove to Trader Joes where I found ingredients for Tiramisu. I felt rushed and unsatisfied because I knew my mom would be impatient and not want to stay- but I always want to explore whenever I go to a Trader Joes. 

After we got home around 1 my mom took a nap and I busied myself working on dinner and dessert. I spent some time chopping up veggies to go in the spaghetti sauce, then I cooked the beef and onions and added everhthing else and left it to simmer for an hour. Meanwhile I made Tiramisu for the first time in probably a year. It was a spacey experience. I fell into old habits and didn't think, I just did. It wasn't very pleasant. I also burned my hand because of steam while working with the double boiler. I meticulously made the Sabayon, the cream, and assembled it all with coffee-dipped ladyfingers. Then I dusted it with cocoa powder. And after all that, I had a sink full of dishes to wash. By this time my mom had woken up and the pasta sauce was done. 

My mom must have been in a worse mood after waking up. She impatiently demanded I wash the dishes and didn't seem at all surprised or appreciative or happy about the cake I made for her, nor did she care about my burned fingers. Normally I'd be more able to tell myself that's fine and it doesn't affect me, but, I wasn't in a good mood today either. So it particularly stung and put me in a down mood. Sigh. I did make this cake on my own initiative, not expecting much. But I guess I must have expected somethhing because I felt disappointed, and devalued, and unappreciated. 

After that, around 3, I basically just crashed. I honestly don't remember what I did, I felt so tired and out of it. At 6 I ate dinner, the pasta with sauce I made and my mom's side dishes. Then I went upstairs and caught a streamer I likes' stream at 7 all the way until 10 or so. During this time I listened while working on my comic off to the side. I was making a lot of little adjustments and generally taking a lot of time on it- I think this mentality will come back to bite me later, because I have so much to draw still.. I ended up working on that without breaks (again fell into the habit and didn't think) up until 11:30 ish and now I'm here... feeling very agitated. 

When I'm agitated it manifests itself in social media cycling and just craving for attention and love and validation. That's what I was doing before I stopped myself. I'm being very hard on myself today and I have to stop myself from beating myself up for it too. 

I've been starting to have mood swings this week and feeling out of control of my feelings - this is not an unfamiliar feeling, but it signals to me that I need to retake control. Tomorrow I might just spend the day listening to my body and mind and what I need.