Jumping
Recently I have been having some suicidal ideation. Mostly I am thinking about jumping off of something. I think that the fall would be exhilarating, I think that I would go through a stage of regret and then acceptance before I hit the ground. I don't know. I want something different some place where I am not so worried about money loneliness or family obligations. It seems like death is the way out. I put my credit to a credit consolidation service, so all cards are closed and I can now try to get my credit back in place. I have a doctor's appointment in under two weeks for the disability office. I hope I get help from disability services, I don't have a lot of money and I don't feel confident that I can be employed at this time. Plus I have been looking for work and nothing is coming my way.
This weekend has been long but good and needed. Tomorrow I will be back in school. I have an exam in math on Thursday and an urbanization class on Wednesday. For some reason I get so freaked out about these tests that I study and then when I get the exam I simply freak out and freeze.
We go to Chicago on Friday and I don' t know what I am to do. My body is tired and I am tired. I don't know what I want to do and what day. My cousin wants all of the Chicago kids to go to his house in a downtown part of Chicago. I know that we are all young and I can understand that there will be alcohol and possibly marijuana. I don't feel like being apart of it this time. I get sick and nervous when in or around these situations. When in high school I could stomach it simply because I knew the people and I had a car which felt like a safety belt to get out if I wanted to. In this sense I will be in an unknown area of the city and I will have no car and no way out. I think that it would just be good for me to go up to WIsconsin with my dad and spend some time with Boci. It's relaxing up there and I wont have to worry about all that crap that I could possibly have to go through if I go hang a steve's.
I want my math teacher to email me so I know what chapters the midterm exam is going to cover. I also am unpleasantly surprised about the fact I have a test in Urbanization on Wednesday. For now, I will have to make some decisions both before and during the trip to Chicago.
Good night moon.
This weekend has been long but good and needed. Tomorrow I will be back in school. I have an exam in math on Thursday and an urbanization class on Wednesday. For some reason I get so freaked out about these tests that I study and then when I get the exam I simply freak out and freeze.
We go to Chicago on Friday and I don' t know what I am to do. My body is tired and I am tired. I don't know what I want to do and what day. My cousin wants all of the Chicago kids to go to his house in a downtown part of Chicago. I know that we are all young and I can understand that there will be alcohol and possibly marijuana. I don't feel like being apart of it this time. I get sick and nervous when in or around these situations. When in high school I could stomach it simply because I knew the people and I had a car which felt like a safety belt to get out if I wanted to. In this sense I will be in an unknown area of the city and I will have no car and no way out. I think that it would just be good for me to go up to WIsconsin with my dad and spend some time with Boci. It's relaxing up there and I wont have to worry about all that crap that I could possibly have to go through if I go hang a steve's.
I want my math teacher to email me so I know what chapters the midterm exam is going to cover. I also am unpleasantly surprised about the fact I have a test in Urbanization on Wednesday. For now, I will have to make some decisions both before and during the trip to Chicago.
Good night moon.
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