Jumbled up

So my crash came but only lasted a couple of hours. Some sobbing on the way to work but that was it. I felt like there was no hope for me. I feel like I will keep chasing my own tail. I feel like I can't change. Discouraged. For the most part the intense part was all done by the time I arrived at work. It took a few minutes to settle in then I was ok.
That being said; the politics at work really sucks these days. I am trying to be cooperative and giving/sharing but there is no reciprocation. It makes it hard to trust the new people. The newest 2 nurses have horrible working conditions. No phone, no computer, no desk. They were unprepared for this. I feel angry that management has so badly mishandled this whole thing. I am angry that management wants to disrupt my job, my program to throw me into the mess they created. They are pushing their agenda, using me and trying to tell me that it is all good for me. I suppose work will sort itself out.
My therapy session was so hard tonight. My thoughts were spinning or maybe it was more like my brain was spinning it's wheels. I was anxious and in some ways I didn't want to be there. But I did want to be there. I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling. I'm not sure what that feeling was. I guess I could just put down the basics.
anxious
panic
sad
frustrated (because I couldn't break through the spinning)
guilty ( I was afraid I was making my therapist feel bad)
He tried to help me ground. He said I could focus on his voice ( he has a very calming voice), focus on the rock I was holding, focus on my breathing etc. As I listened to his voice and focused on my breathing I felt the tightness in my body start to relax. I felt something open up in me. I felt the tears begin again but from a deeper place. Suddenly I felt like screaming. I didn't want to focus on his voice. I didn't want to allow that connection or closeness.
I struggled my way through trying to tell him what I was feeling but the guard was on duty and had been alerted. When the guard is on duty thoughts and ideas are swept away as quickly as they come. Any insights or feelings I might want to express get caught up in the swirling and spinning. It was so frustrating. I wanted to reach out but couldn't.
I cried most of the way home. It was a different kind of crying than I had the other morning. This time I had trouble focusing on my driving. It was like the spinning was continuing. I was there but I wasn't. My mind was somewhere else but yet there was no specific preoccupation.
I took Tylenol for my achy muscles ( all out of ibuprofen) and am drinking a cup of white tea and going to top it off with a Xanax then sleep. My chest is still tight. Maybe I could relax myself somehow; meditation, relaxation techniques etc. but honestly, I just want to take a pill and forget.