July. No one reads this shit anyway.

So many horrible things have happened in July. I HATE July. Worst month.

But I did a chain analysis. It goes past all the horrible things that happened.

July ALWAYS sucks. My birthday is in July and I always feel so fucking alone. Everyone in my family was born in July, but they resent me so I never get to even give them a call. And I never get a "happy birthday" call. I don't even understand the concept of "happy birthday". I mean for christ's sake. I didn't do anything but come out of the womb. Why do people even celebrate that shit? "here's the day your mother did all the work to get you into a shitty world, good luck"

My first hospitalization was in July, years ago. Before shit went down.

I went down the line and realized that before all this horrible shit that happened in July, it's been the month that my brain goes completely bye-bye. I've never had clockwork mania, depression, or psychosis. That shit just happens when it happens. 
But a depressed episode in July is seriously like clockwork. It hits hard, and it hits deep. The more I fight it, the harder it gets.

The holidays are hard, yeah. Thanksgiving and Christmas...fuck those holidays. But the whole month of July...fuck that more.
It's not all chemical, but it used to be. Even though I don't live in the past, or dwell on the past, this PTSD diagnosis...my brain forces me to think of horrible shit. I mean, so does the bipolar disorder. But the PTSD takes over the environment, and the bipolar disorder takes over the chemicals. Nature vs nurture. Nature AND nurture. 

No matter how many times in June I tell myself "This year will be different. July won't be so bad. It won't be great, but you won't have an episode." PFFT. I was fine on the 1st. The 2nd I woke up from a WONDERFUL dream, and I hadn't had a wonderful, or even decent dream in years. I woke up on the 2nd feeling great.  Then it hit about an hour after I woke up. Hard. Sudden.

I never jump to conclusions. I always analyze the days. "is this just a 'sad day' like all 'normal folks' have?" or "this and that happened. it was sad. it's normal for me to be sad now" It's only when depression lasts at least a week when no event has taken place when I'm like "YUP! Hello again, horribleness"

I haven't jumped to a conclusion. It's strange because sometimes I just know. I don't know if anyone else experiences a constant falling feeling in their gut and a tingle in their head that hits suddenly, but I do. I know that too well. It's only been 4 days of depression (without an event), but when that feeling hits suddenly, I know. 

I just don't want to go through it again. I've gone through this so long. First depressed episode was when I was 10, and I even denied it then. I've denied and fought myself my whole life. Then I get a double diagnosis of PTSD on top after a decade of dealing with bipolar disorder? It's just bullshit. I'm so fucking TIRED of it and there's nothing I can do but therapy and lamictal. Jesus H CHRIST! 

I'm so, so sick of it. And after a decade of the bipolar diagnosis, I've learned to "tame" it the best I can. I know what to do for myself. But the PTSD is new to me and I don't know how to handle it. I'm trying my damndest to learn. Therapy and DBT. DBT and therapy. I'm learning skills, but applying them is so difficult. I'll have days, even weeks when I'd apply them and they work wonders. (I always, every day REALLY try to apply them, I want to master it) But there's some days, even weeks when I try so hard and it does nothing. Then I get mad at myself because I feel like it's MY fault that they're not working. That I'm not trying hard enough. That I'm doing something wrong. I've realized that I'm a perfectionist, which can be a good thing, but in my case, i'm the dangerous type of perfectionist. I've had to be perfect my whole life. One fuck-up would get me some major abuse. 

Whatever. I'm just whining and I can't stand that shit. So I'm going to stop. Fuck it.