July 5, 2020 - Confrontation and Resolution

A shiiiiiit ton of things went down today. I've been on a hiking trip with my parents for the last couple of days. I was expecting to hate it, and I definitely hated the first day of chaos and parental squabbling. The second day was also somewhat unpleasant. Overall I have enjoyed the hiking, being able to get out and excercise and observe and take in nature. I took a bunch of pictures of things someone else might call insignificant, like the bark on a tree, a plant on the side of the path, a mossy rock. I find these things beautiful, unpredictable, and complicated. They are intricately textured and formed/evolved over millenia, and I have immense respect/appreciation for the way that everything - through countless twists and turns and disasters and extinctions - eventually laid out the way it is today. 

The trip has also been an excercise in resilience, I've had so much time in the car to think, I suppose, on what I want, my dreams. I think it has been good for me. I spent some time meditating in the car to calm myself down, and every day noticing how I'm feeling and attempting to address it. I went into this trip thinking it'd be an anxiety/dissociation shithole (literally had an anxiety attack over it, which I journalled about a couple days ago) and I was pleasantly surprised on how it turned out (it kind of was a shithole at first, but it turned around. I'd like to think I had a big hand in that). I stayed hydrated and fed, and payed attention to how I was feeling, and did some introspection on how I've felt in the last couple months with covid. Relations with my parents were still strained, though. 

It all came to a head tonight in the hotel. I didn't want to shower because I was tired, and my parents insisted on me showering because I was grimy and my mom didn't want to share a bed with me. I thought, okay, if that's the case I can sleep on the floor, no big deal. My parents took this as some kind of SUPER DISOBEDIENCE and were completely and utterly going off on me. About how I was disgusting and filthy and I couldn't speak reason, they were both going off on me at the same time, echoing off of each other and attacking me. My mom started saying that she literally would not take me home unless I showered, and that's when it was too much for me. I argued back that they were being ridiculous and I was just trying to be considerate and not sleep in the same bed as them. Which, I acknowledge was somewhat immature, not in that I was trying to be rebellious but in that I couldn't muster the motivation to shower after a long day hiking (117 floors, 6 or 7 miles, 15,000 steps), even less so when I was being yelled at. At this point, I was seriously considering not showering and figuring out my own way home through Uber or asking my boyfriend to pick me up..  but I knew it wasn't worth it. 

What I did set off a flood of complaints in their mind, about how I had been so disrespectful lately, how I had been so rude to them, how I had been causing them stress, etc. My mom explained that me deciding to sleep on the floor felt like an attack on them, because they would worry about me. Which, okay? I suppose I can understand that it's probably a chinese culture thing, where a white parent would be more likely to just let the kid do it to teach them a lesson. Anyway, the conversation turned to disrespect, and it got really serious (in the midst of this I agreed to just take a shower). In the bathroom, I listened at the door and they continued to talk about me, about how I'd changed since meeting my boyfriend and he was "misleading" me. That makes sense, since I've generally been more resentful towards my parents since meeting him (very understanding, sweet, and patient) and his nice, healthy family. My dad also resentfully talked about how they should stop worrying about and investing in me because I was terrible and I would never pay them back in turn when they get older. At this point I was very distraught and just got in the shower. 

When I got out, there was more. A lot happened, and I can't recount all of it with compelte accuracy, just memorable parts. My dad was speaking very resentfully towards me, almost as if he wanted nothing more to do with my anymore. As if he wanted to disown me. He said that since I'm 18, I should find a job. He said that he didn't want me to visit them when they got old. He basically said that I can do whatever I want with my life now now and he doesn't care anymore. All of this really hopeless, resentful stuff, basically highlighting the fact that he's deeply resentful of me and thinks that raising me was a waste of their time and that I'm a failure. I remember that from there I started trying to explain my side, how I don't trust them, and how I feel I've gone through a lot of hardship unsupported, and how they've put me through a lot. I was talked over a lot at first, emotions being high everywhere. They kept talking about how they felt disrespected by me, and how I'd treated them unfairly in the last couple months, implying that I needed to mature. My dad eventually just butted out of the conversation, which made things a LOT better. 

I brought up being forced to play piano against my will for 8 years, and how my mother had threatened to kill me over piano. I got somewhat measly-feeling sorrys for these... and lectures about how I was "holding onto the past" and "stupid for believing that". I was flabebrgasted at that... think about it, a mother threatens to kill her child. The child is left with anxiety and trust problems with the mother. So, it's the child's fault for believing the mother? It's the child's problem that they are scared and cannot trust the mother? Holy crap, that's hard to unravel. 

This whole conversation just made me accept that my parents are, no matter what I do, deeply problematic. But I also know it's not really their fault, they had troubled childhoods and also grew up in an incredibly different culture. And, at least with my mom, they can be negotiated with, and talked to. I just shouldn't expect any serious apologies or acknowledgements for my childhood anymore. My parents are people, problematic people but still people, who have reasons for being who they are. I realized now that I should let go of my resentment for them and instead at least try to work with them and respect them. While they did a lot of things wrong in my eyes, they still did a lot of things for my education and raised me up from a baby. And to be a honest, a lot of their old-fashioned ways actually built me up as a person (whether that's from their parenting or me trying to make up for their lack of parenting is debatable, but the end result is the same). For example, I am very hardworking, forward-thinking, and self-motivated. I am also mature for my age, and understanding of other people, and considerate about my own feelings/taking care of myself. 

Anyway, we talked about how we as a family are not very close and we don't do much together. How my parents always fight. How my dad tends to make rude comments and yell at me (he seriously doesnt even remember this, which is really fucking laughable, considering I have body image issues and some workaholism because of his constant comments growing up). They agreed with some of my points, and I tried to listen to theirs. Which was pretty difficult, and I don't think I did a supreme job with it. After feeling unfairly treated and resentful for so long, it's difficult to listen to the other side. Their main problem was that they felt I was being disrespectful, taking them for granted, not communicating with them, yada yada. So I agreed, fine. I told them with complete and utter honesty: I will try my best to be respectful of you guys from now on. However, I can't promise and in fact doubt that we will ever be close, and that I will ever trust you. Surprisingly, this was not met with arguments. My mom simply said that I may change my mind as I grow older. 

The idea surfaced of me needing to mature and learn the value of money. My parents grew up in and fought their way out of poverty, and they have always been... uppity about it. Money scrimping, and constantly working and investing. I didn't really understand this, and they always chided me about being candid with money, and having it "too good". My dad especially seemed resentful about this. He brought up the idea that after graduating from college and getting a job, I should have to pay back the money for college tuition/housing/cost of living. Which, I initally found somewhat ridiculous, but I slowly found this to be a good idea. My mom agreed too. 

I like this idea because first, it absolves me of the guilt I would otherwise feel of my career being built off my parent's backs. Of my achievements ultimately stemming from theirs. I want to be my OWN person, who builds their own life and career. And maybe this does not completely solve the problem of my privilege and luck, at least I am held responsible for the costs of my education, which are quite formidable. It would also relieve my dad's resentment about "wasting" money on me.

Second of all, it would be a good wake-up call for me. I would be forced to learn the value of money, with having to pay off my education, I would have to carefully consider my major, my career, for myself. I would be more motivated to really work hard at my education. I would also have to learn how to scrimp on money, manage money, and manage my time better (as I may get a part-time job, or just to make my education more efficient). I have always been anxious about my future, and honestly, I was leaning on my parent's money to support me through that. That was a spoiled and privileged way of thinking, especially since I have often thought about how I want to live and build my own life. This way, I have to have a hand in my future, and that's GOOD. Whatever comes, it will have been something I brought upon myself, I will experience the consequences of my own actions; good or bad. It was a wake-up call, a call to action. 

Of course, this is all just talk. While the idea sounds very very good in thought, and my instincts agree with it (and I am inclined to trust my instincts), we all know I'm still 18 and have never held a "real" job. All of us understood that I can't agree to something that I don't understand, even though we all liked the idea. So it's still in the air, and my mother wants to give it a year or two before I really have to decide whether to pay them back. I'm not sure of their true motivations behind this. I think it's from a good/caring place at heart... they want me to learn, they want me to toughen up. Or maybe its from a bad place (my dad's resentment), but regardless of that, I think it could be good for me as a person. 

I was then able to talk about the pressure I'd always felt growing up, how I was a really anxious person, and how I'd always felt alienated/ culturally clashing being raised Chinese in America. The resolution was basically this: I need to mature, and learn about the adult world and money. I need to respect my parents and be more open with them. The college loan idea is still in the air. Meanwhile, my mom needs to find some hobbies and friends so she's not all over me constantly, which was a big part of the pressure I felt growing up. She admitted herself that she's a boring person, and she's really good at her work/making money but doesn't have any hobbies or other things to speak of (this stems from her childhood of fighting her way out of poverty), and agreed to this. Finally, both of my parents need to be more considerate of my feelings and watch the insensitive comments. 

I feel more at peace after all of this. The issue of my parents and what I them to be in my life has been a stick in my brain for months, years and years. Every since I was a preteen. This does not completely solve everything by any means, but it clarifies things, possibilities that I didn't know I had because we never communicated. I still feel very uncertain about how things will go from here. There's the sore thumb of my dad not participating in 60% of the conversation (he was interrupting us and butting in so much, we kept telling him to stop and he eventually just fell silent). I doubt he'll be in on a lot of the things we agreed on, and I don't see any way that he'll ever be understanding/acknowledge his own shortcomings. But hey, I think he'd be happy if I'm less resentful and more mature/managing money better. Sigh... 

Who knows what's to come... I get the sinking feeling that maybe every positive thing I've said here is baloney, but I know it doesn't have to be. It's the self-deprecation, an offshoot of that. I know there's a future for me, a happy one. My wishes can come true. But I need to fight, fight, fight, not only fight my way through the world but fight for myself, my happiness and my mental health. But I have people supporting me, a few friends, a sweet boyfriend. And I have my own strength.

6/6/20 Update:

I was feeling very confident yesterday, today the uncertainty truly hit me on what happened, where I want my life to go, and what role I want my parents to have in it. I spent a lot of today grappling with the abuse/neglect I went through that I quickly dismissed yesterday as understandable/making me stronger. I'd like to thank MTC for bringing that up. I don't feel too bad about the sudden change (confident to uncertain and anxious), although in the past it would have caused me shame. I still agree with most of what I said yesterday, but I'd like to add an amendment about how I feel on my parents. They abused me and that's not okay. I will respect them for what they did for me, but I won't believe that they are right. Hopefully one day I can escape the guilt and obligation I feel towards them.