July 28, 2020
I thought cach's comment on my post about love was interesting, and I wanted to expand on it.
She mentioned instances of me making things as acts of love. The thing is, I think that for a long time, I didn’t know how to show friendship and affection without offering something to them. In the beginning it might have been food to people at school, then I would make drawings for them. Later on it was drawing, baking and crochet. I’d offer to make things for people out of the blue.
I remember a lot of those instances where I made things for other people as feeling obligatory for me. Like, “because I am your friend, I must do this for you, it is only right.” I remember one particular instance where I spent hours a day for about a week making chocolates to give to all of my friends. they took forever and honestly I didn’t even make that many, and they didn’t taste that good. But I was so stressed out and frazzled that week, my boyfriend at the time kept telling me to just stop and why does it matter so much, he was exasperated with it.
In more recent instances I began acknowledging that this obligatory feeling wasn’t healthy, and I tried to shift it more into love and want. Like when I made the plush for my now-boyfriend, it was tedious but somewhat enjoyable, and I took breaks. It’s working somewhat, at the very least I don’t hate making gifts anymore. It still feels somewhat obligatory, I’m working on it.
My point is, the gifts weren’t necessarily acts of love, and the comment solidified the idea that I don’t know how to express/feel love much at all. I still catch myself thinking of relationships as a transaction, a give and take. I find it unnaturally easy to let go of friendships because I don’t get as attached to people as people normally do.
To be fair, maybe I should look at the other side. I am empathetic, I know that, I am able to feel other people's pain, but also their happiness. This is seemingly contradictory to other things I know about myself, and I'm not sure how to reconcile them. Over the years I have always strived to be a better person, a better citizen of the world. But I struggle with feelings of self-worth and my own validity, and lately I question whether or not I'm really a wolf in sheep's clothing.
At the very least, I know for certain that my situation with covid has had a bad impact on my mental health, and it seems to be getting worse as time passes. I am tired. I haven't felt this bad in a long time. I am snapping at loved ones and refusing to reach out. I am dissociating and lost. I am leaning more and more into distracting, numbing activities.
Acgh, this journal has morphed from introspective thoughts to a cry for help. I feel very lost.
Replies
Hello, lovely. I'm reading this book called "Loving People" by Dr. Townsend and he says that a person's lovability should not play any role in another person's love for them. He said that the more love is based on lovability, the less it is real love. Real love seeks the best for the other person. So, you should not have to make yourself lovable to be loved, but the more loved you are, the more lovable you will become because love is transformational. The thing about giving things to other is that, it's great if it's just generosity, but I have found myself often giving to others in the hope that they will respond in kind when I am in need emotionally. That's where it gets sticky. You are such a deep thinker. At least, you care about your inner world. Love you!
It's weird because your last paragraph is exactly how I feel- I've been snapping at everyone, I think I have cabin fever.. I feel very bitter and depressed. But moving on to the rest of your msg, I too always felt like I had to make something for friends, because I have a gift, so I must share it. Sometimes I feel obligatory, in which case- I stop- because I don't want to put negative energy into anything I make, it devalues the whole point, u might as well just buy them something instead. Sometimes I set unrealistic goals for myself Some big design that will take forever, and I wonder, what the hell was I thinking? Why do I overshoot, and exhaust myself? You are literally the first person I have this on common with. (Even w my stray cat Priscilla, I'm planning this elaborate 2 door insulated cat house! Lol) and then I feel let down if she slips a meal I leave out- and I have to remind myself- u have to do things just to do them, with no expectations attached. Idk maybe my way of showing love is wrong too, but I guess it's also the investment of time, u are giving them a piece of yourself. Even with Fini on his sick days, I would have to hold him in my hand all day- which is very challenging- and at first, I had to teach myself patience. But in the end I am glad for all the things I made for ppl, whether or not they are still in my life, I left my unique mark, I did something no one else could do.
What you describe as seeing relationships as transactions is actually pretty much what they are. There are all kinds of psych theories that discuss how these transactions work and how relationships can blossom and or fail depending on how much each person contributes and withdraws.
You're also right on the money about how self-worth or lack thereof plays into how you/we see love, acts of love and relationships. Its really hard to know that we're capable of love and/or being loving if we grow up with people who mostly criticize us and fail to model love, especially when they throw their 'acts of love' in our faces as a manipulation or to invite guilt or shame. Those of us who grow up like that often end up with friends & significant others who are eerily similar to one or both of our parents.
I started reading self-help books when I was in high school because I thought there was something very wrong of me. I also thought I wasn’t capable of love. After lots of therapy, research, studying, training & life experience only in the last 10 yrs, I have come to believe that love is not nearly as much of a feeling as it is a choice AND an action verb. And being an empath myself, I can tell you, you are capable of love and you do loving things. I can empathize with your confusion and sense of unworthiness. One of the best things about you doing these loving things is that you CHOOSE to do them and you choose to do them because you believe its the right thing to do and/or you want to invite happiness in the receiver.. .
This is an interesting article about the 5 love languages that, compares how differently empaths and narcissists utilize them. . https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018/09/the-5-love-languages-of-narcissists-empaths/ imho, based on what you've said your journals your choices and actions reflect those of an empath.
You have such amazing self-insight and the decisions you make about how to behave, like choosing to treat your parents with respect, tells me that you know what love it. You just don't have anyone to model it for you or validate your actions.
I know its no comfort, but what you're feeling as a result of covid is what most of us are feeling. Of course everyone is different, but we're all more alike than we realize. Keep writing, but try to do so without any self-judgment. If you do write or think something judgmental, come up with five positives. They say it takes 5 positives to wipe out the negative. oxo
PS, a little hint when you do or make things for people. it's ok to choose to do only things you enjoy. (if you like trying new things and find you didn't enjoy, then don't do that again. Try something else.) It's ok to pick and choose. By doing that, you eliminate feelings of resentment. ;-)