July 24, 2020 - Dent in the wall
I made a dent in the wall today. After a long depression-ridden day I was getting into a flow learning how to 3D model and listening to music on my computer. But alas, I had my earbuds in, and I was interrupted from my sculpting shenanigans by my mom screaming at me about turning on the AC. How she'd told me so many times and WHY WASN'T IT ON YET??
I turned on the AC, then I elbowed the wall in anger. Didn't expect to leave a dent. I have mixed feelings now. Lately when my mother deigns to raise her voice at me I have been taking out my anger on desks. One punch, that's it. I felt that it was harmless, desks are sturdy. Now that I've gone and left a dent in anger I wonder if I'm becoming one of those people who turn incredibly destructive when their emotions are heightened.
I have to admit, it's incredibly satisfying to hit things. I feel like I've held in and silenced my anger for far too long, attempting to be pacifist and "the bigger man". I'm struggling to define the problem with continuing to do this, albeit limited to sturdy or soft surfaces so I don't do damage. But I still have the nagging feeling that something is wrong.
Replies
Mm. I'm sorry your mom communicates by screaming. It may not hurt the desk to hit it, but it might hurt YOU. I tell my kids to hit a pillow or something soft. Another option is to go outside and find a stick and beat a tree with it. At least that way you won't get hurt. Hold tight, dear girl.
It feels great to break things, its such a release! When I was a teenager I loved to kick my foot through things-a glass mirror, the wall, I couldnt believe how easy it was. It was the only way I could express myself-now, I am a bit more selective, I'll drop something glass out the window in a brown paper bag so it doesn't shatter everywhere. I'm sure there is something mental in breaking things, I havent done it in a while, but when I do it feels great. And I've seen ppl do it movies as therapy..
It sounds like you've been doing as much as humanly possible to respond in a healthy & positive way to the dysfunction around you. Know that there's nothing wrong with you! Everyone gets angry and hurt. Many people who are continually criticized react the same way you do. You definitely aren't alone.
When we aren't allowed, and/or don't have a safe place, to express ourselves, the feelings get subconsciously stuffed deep down, one on top of the other, until there's no more room. It's either when we run out of room of the existing 'stuff' is triggered that we react & sometimes over react. Again, a normal human thing.
In addition to triufadora.'s suggestion re the stick and tree, here's another option. If you can't get outside, and you need to release your anger (or other feelings) AND it's safe to do so, you can get a magazine, roll it up and beat the crap out of a pillow. (Just don't use the pillow you sleep on.) Something else you can do is get a swim noodle from the $ store and cut it in half & use it to beat a pillow. Another thing you can do (when its safe - i.e. parents aren't home or you're somewhere where there are no other people), is to yell or scream. You can muffle the sound by screaming into a pillow (again, not the one you sleep with). It's very cathartic.