July 2, 2020 - Fear

     The trip tomorrow, it scares me. It really hit me when I started packing for it, I decided to pack my own clothes and toiletries for once (my mom usually does that for all of us), trying to be more mature and learn how to pack. It hit me so hard, I don't want to pack at all anymore, even though I realized i chose clothes inappropriate for the weather. I feel terrified, my stomach is twisting into knots, I texted Alex but he seemed busy while I was talking to him, I asked and he said he was playing Doom... I decided that it wasn't helping to talk to him. Sometimes, I feel like I feel terror and sadness and anxiety so often that he dismisses it as a normal, unimportant occurence. 

     I'm feeling an indescribably mix of emotions, I am not myself. I don't want to go. I remember every other trip I've taken with them. The constant fighting between thise two, the dissociation, the discomfort. Not getting enough or proper food. Sleeping and showering and eating and being in an unfamiliar place. Dissociating creeps in on unfamiliarity, and discomfort solidifies it. Feeling so far from my friends and everyone who actually understands me,  alone with the two people who have damaged me most in my life. Having to pretend to care, and skirt around them constantly. Not being allowed to stray far with warnings of being lost or kidnapped. Spotty wifi, meaning I can't even talk to my friends back home, or distract myself from everything, the whirlwind, the confusion, the pain. 

     I hate travelling with them. I associate travelling in general with negative emotions because I've only ever done it with them. I feel so scared.