July 10th, 2020

I tried to write this journal three times with my voice but it was really janky. However, the bigger problem was that the words that come so naturally to me on paper were stuck in my throat, and would not come out. I talk in vernacular, yet I write more formally because it feels natural to me, and because I find it easier to express myself in words with specific meanings. So when I tried to express my thoughts through voice, I found I was only able to express the most surface level thoughts. Another problem is that when I listen to my own voice speaking, I am more aware of how I sound, and I am nervous. I have always been so much better in writing than in speaking, in a way I never really found my voice. It was pushed down too much.

Today was incredibly hectic. I went to the DMV with my dad to take my written drivers test. The line was simply hellish.. three hours of waiting in the sun, social distancing. At one point it seemed to not move for an hour. We got there at 12, and the DMV closed at 4, but I seriously wondered if we'd even get into the building in time. In the end we were among the last few people allowed in.

Those three hours were anxiety ridden turmoil. I was so afraid of what would happen if I failed the test after everything, but also trying to soothe my fear. I hadn't eaten enough or brought enough water, so my brain was foggy. Though I've never been formally diagnosed, I highly suspect I have hypoglycemia like my mother. On an empty stomach, my body seems to begin malfunctioning. I can't think, and I start feeling weak and shaky. At the same time, today was that day of your period where everything starts in earnest, and the cramps were hitting me hard. In the midst of all of this, I was frantically trying to study for the test. My brain was surprisingly clear for the circumstance. But the heat and the anxiety and the lonliness got to me. 

Afterwards we took a trip to costco, where I had to deal with my dad's idiot shopping/ignoring most of what I had to say. We had to wait 20 minutes to get a ham scanned because they couldnt find the item number, and then they charged us the wrong price. Imagine, 20$ for half of a ham? Some managerish looking folk even came out to see the problem while all I wanted was to go home. The time felt so dragged out. After a hectic day, you seem to exist only in the present, as you try to distract yourself and time coincidentally passes, and events happen agonizingly slowly around you. 

I was supposed to cook today when I got home, but I gave up on that. After such a long day of discomfort, I was in a furor about putting aside my comfort and needs and doing what I "had to do", but I talked myself out of it. We had some pizza anyway, so it didn't matter. I did end up calling some parents about potentially tutoring their child, which was nerve-wracking. I had to calm myself down before the call and remind myself that I would be okay, and I was allowed to say no. I have mixed feelings about tutoring again, but I'm wanting to try and improve my experience with it this time, and earn some money for myself again.