Journeys

The last few days feel like several lifetimes all rolled into one.  There have been periods of stabbing fear, moments of calm, and long stretches of animal work.  I try to get out to AA meetings and catch up with friends.  Preparing for a divorce is lots of hard work and uncertainty.  Yet at some points, there is relief.  At others, a sharp sadness.  There were many narratives that I envisioned for my life.  But clearly this was not one of them.

Two years ago my grandfather died.  He was a colassal figure to me, and one of the biggest inspirations I ever had.  I didn't receive the love and encouragement I needed from so many, but my grandfather always made me feel like I could do anything in life.

When he died, the family was thrown into such upheaval, things got very chaotic.  I didn't grieve like I needed to.  Instead, I suited up, put my gameface on, and handled everything that needed to be handled without a word of complaint.  Inside I was on fire with searing winds of grief.  Somehow, I pulled through it.  Everyone congratulated how well I did, how mature, etc.  And this year, all that stuffing it down and hiding has finally caught up.

As soon as his estate was settled, I sought therapy and made a vow to stop drinking.  I am so glad that I did that.  The downside, though, is that life did not get better.  Problems with my wife just got more pronounced.  Being sober, facing the problems of my life, and getting real about the past -- this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  And if you looked at my life resume of risks and adventures, you would see so many brushes with death, living on the edge, you would wonder how something as simple as being honest could be so rattling.

Yet for the things that have happened in this year, I have no regrets.  I am learning to stand my ground and to speak up for myself.  Learning how to take care of my body and mind.  I am even learning how to sleep.  My time with the kids is continually improving.  I have a lot to teach them, and I've learned in the process that I'm good at it. So I try to keep it fun and positive. That seems to be really working well.

As I go through this divorce, I know that I cannot stuff the feelings away and pretend like each day is completely what I have prepared for.  Some days I wonder if I had just kept my mouth shut and found a new way to deal with these issues, maybe I'd still have a marriage.  But on the other hand, I know it was only a matter of time until the next crisis.  Outwardly I made the perfect showing, but inside I was totally miserable.  I am tired of living crisis to crisis.  Tired of trying to play superman.  Tired of pretending that everything is perfect.

No, I've also learned that this doesn't mean going around falling on the sword.  I'm learning to set boundaries and find the right circle of friends.  It just means that I have to live closer to what is real.  I have to accept the pain of my mistakes, and trust that if I keep taking care of today, a better future will come. 

All in all, I can honestly say that I am better than at any point in my life.  Though I still have a long way to go.  Alongside the pain are moments of peace and happiness.  That is quite new for me.  I want to continue on this journey, wherever it leads.