JOURNAL TIME...

WELL, ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE I WROTE IN MY JOURNAL AND FIGURED IT WAS TIME. USUALLY ANYMORE WHEN I AM ON DS  I HIT THE SUPPORT GROUPS AND TRY TO KEEP UP WITH PEOPLE. BUT I HAVENT EVEN BEEN VERY GOOD AT CHECKING IN ON EVERYONE. I HAVE MET SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE AND WHEN I DONT TALK WITH THEM I STILL THINK OF EVERYONE AND WONDER HOW THEY ARE.DS HAS TRULY BECAME A PART OF MY FAMILY AND LIFE. ITS EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP HERE. NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED IN MY WORLD. I AM STILL APPLYING FOR SSD BUT WISHING I WAS GOING BACK TO WORK INSTEAD. THE MORE I STAY HOME THE MORE I WONT WANT TO GO OUT AND THAT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME.  A FEW WEEKS AGO I HAD FRIENDS IN FROM OUT OF TOWN THAT MET ME  FEW YEARS AGO  AT THE CLUB I TENDED BAR AT.WELL EVEN THOUGH THE CLUB CLOSED ,THIS WONDERFUL COUPLE  STILL CALL ME EVERY YEAR WHEN THEY ARE IN TOWN.IN WHICH THEY DID THIS YEAR. I MADE PLANS TO MEET THEM FOR A FEW DRINKS BUT INSTEAD I SAT OUTSIDE IN THE PARKING LOT FOR HALF AN HOUR AND THEN JUST LEFT. I FEEL BAD BECAUSE THEY TRULY ARE GREAT ,OUT GOING PEOPLE. BUT I JUST FIGURED I WOULD BRING THEM DOWN AND I COULDNT MAKE MYSEL GO TO SEE THEM AND NOW THEY HAVE TRAVELED BACK HOME. I DONT LIKE THE DEPPRESSED AND IN SECURE PERSON I HAVE BECOME.... THE PLACE I USED TO TEND BAR,THAT SHUT DOWN IS RE-OPENING IN THE NEXT MONTH OR SO AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP SEVERAL FEELINGS. THE CLUB WAS MY LIFE..I WORKED FULL TIME AND PRETTY MUCH RAN THE PLACE FOR FIVE YEARS...WHEN THEY CLOSED I LOST A PIECE OF MYSELF. WELL I WENT TO BORROW TABLES AND CHAIRS FOR MY PARTY AND I SEEN ALL THIER REMODELING PROJECTS AND I IMMEDIATELY STARTED GIVEING MY OPINIONS ON HOW TO GET STARTED AND WHAT THEY SHOULD DO.ITS HABIT I WAS USED TO RUNNING AND PLANNING EVERYTHING AND NOW I AM NOT EVEN APART OF THINGS AND IT HURTS.. THEY ARE NOT HIREING ANYONE,ONLY GOING WITH VOLUNTEERS,SO WHY SHOULD I WASTE MY BREATH,I JUST MISS THE PERSON I USED TO BE..ANYWAYS THE PARTY I BORROWED TABLES FOR WAS MY FIREWORKS AND CAMPOUT PARTY ,WHICH WAS A GREAT SUCCESS.WE HAD 75 PLUS PEOPLE...I AM STILL EXHAUSTED... THE SCARY THING IS SO MANY PEOPLE HAD ARRIVED WHILE I WAS STILL INSIDE PREPAREING THINGS I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS GOING OUT TO MY OWN PARTY.THAT STUPID IN-SECURITY AGAIN. DEFINATELY NOT ME....I USED TO BE SO OUT GOING AND NOT DEPEND ON ANYONE BUTMYSELF.NOW I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM.WELL, I HAVE MORE TO SAY BUT I WILL SAVE IT FOR ANOTHER DAY,GETTING ANXIOUS AND MOODY SO ITS TIME FOR MY HOT BATH AND BOOK ,HOPEFULLY TO RELAX. GOOD NIGHT TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT XOXOXO