Journal - positive affirmation, phases, the neighbor's dog

I've been telling myself over the past couple days that any action towards a good direction coming from a good place is a net positive- or something like that. Basically that progress towards a goal means something, no matter how inconsequential it seems. As someone who's always tended to think in black and white, done vs not done, achieved vs failed, this is definitely different. But it's good. 

I struggle with periods of highs and periods of lows. I can feel them coming when they do. They make any feeling of progress feel disjointed or even impossible. I'm working on repeating the same affirmations to myself throughout each phase. It's reassurance that I'm still the same person. But since I've been like this for so long, there's also some fear that trying to reunite my two phases could have negative consequences. Like, what if I get stuck in a low low forever? By trying to reintroduce the two sides, maybe I'll destroy the fragile order I've had and send muself hurtling in the wrong direction. It sounds silly when I say it out loud. 

I was in a higher place a couple days ago, and right now I'm in a lower place. It's a place where my stress becomes self-perpetuating and tiredness slows my steps and makes me sleepy during the day. Yet I'm dogged 24/7 and I hold myself to the same standards as I do in highs. I'm still adjusting those standards. again, I want them to be the same for both phases. In any cause I guess they are too high right now if I end up so exhausted at the end of a low day that I have no motivation to even draw. I just have so much urge to keep pushing. I have things I want, a future I want. The logical step is to keep pushing doggedly, constantly, making weathering and pushing into a habit. But I know what the consequences of that are, because I've experienced them time and time again. 

Ironically, I need to learn to take a step back and rest.

It's hard lately. I feel like I'm getting sensory overloaded very easily these days, even just by other people talking in the house. Or my neighbor's dog barking. And those things are near constant. My workplace is out in the open space of my house where I can hear pretty much everything. Sometimes I listen to ocean waves to drown things out, but it's a little embarrassing that I have to do that.

I figure in college sensory overload will be harder to escape. I worry about it. 

I should talk about what's going on with the neighbor's dog. I've seen her yelling at it and kicking it rarely. I'm not sure if it's just rare that I see it or if it's rare that she does it. My work place is right over her backyard so I witness more of that drama than I'd like. As it is that dog is locked outside half the time and when it is it whines scratches and barks nonstop. Besides being very very distracting and tiring to hear because sensory overload, it disturbs and distracts me mentally to hear that obvious pain. A couple days ago I called the local animal control/humane society on a whim and told them about it. The woman who answered sounded very cheerful and nonchalant. Her professional tone never shifted. She said she would send officers over to do a welfare check. I got into a small dumbass disagreement with my dad, who I didn't know was home and interrupted me during the call continuously saying I got the address wrong. Then talked to me in haughty, arrogant, tones about "did you even look at google maps". I hate that tone. It's the tone of a judge sitting in his chair speaking down to a criminal. The tone of a king towards a kneeling peasant. Hearing that stuck in my head for days. Though I ended up making him get out of his dumbass room with his dumbass door where he could look at me and my screen as I explained to him that he was, in fact, fucking wrong. 

Anyway, the next morning I heard the lady talking loudly and brashly like she was cursing outside my desk window andI saw her walking around her yard for a while. I looked today and it seems like she took some time to clean it up. It was covered in poop and grime before, for literal months. I've never seen it that clean since I moved here. So that's something. The dog also didn't make as much noise for the next two days. Unfortunately it's making noise now, at 10:30 PM with a lot of whining and barking that doesn't stop at something as measly and thin as walls. 

You win some, you lose some. I don't know if there's much more I can do for the poor thing if animal control won't do more. The lady said she'll only step in in a neglect situation and I don't think it's being neglected. Just.. not treated right. And it's pretty disruptive for like everyone living near the bitch. The housing is much more dense in this area than it was back at my last place so I'm surprised more complains haven't been filed about it. Maybe it's just me who's bothered. You can't blame me though with a dog barking for hours right outside my desk window. 

Well I got the lady to clean the backyard so that's something.