Journal Entry #2
(I'll try to pick up where I left on on the previous entry.)
As I was saying before, by high school girls were looking at and treating me like I had the plague or was a creep for reasons I couldn't even begin to guess at the time. Girls wouldn't tell me why, guys treated me like I was an average/normal guy, teachers/adults treated me like I friendly/mature/bright student, and my mother was unpredictably emotionally abusive to me. So overall I was feeling very confused and the only "logical" reason for such a huge discrepancy I could come up with was that there was just something inherently wrong with me that made my existence/presence somehow off-putting and offensive to virtually all girls.
At times I even went through brief bouts of depression where I would question (always to myself though) whether or not any of my friends in high school were actually friends with me or if they were just guys who tolerated me and didn't want to offend me by telling me to leave them alone. It just didn't make sense in my mind that virtually every girl I encountered treated me the way they did while guys and adults treated me the opposite.
I don't mean that girls just saw me as some unpopular or weird guy and thus didn't want to hang out either. There was some serious animosity in their dislike/hatred of me. From the time I was in high school up through my first few years of college there were at least 2 incidents (that really stick out in my mind) where a girl would threaten to falsely accuse me of "sexual harassment" out of the blue to get me to stay away from her. In one case in high school I was sitting with a group of friends just listening in on the conversation and trying to participate where I could when a nearby girl suddenly started threatening to report me for "sexual harassment". Not because of anything I was saying, but (as she eventually told me after much pleading to know what I was doing to offend her) because of my pants. I was wearing normal blue jeans that fit me and weren't baggy, but I didn't want to push my luck by contesting her threats and ultimately got up and left.
Another time this type of situation occurred was in college in a studio art course I was enrolled in. One girl was always coming into class and openly chatting about her sex life and all the kinky things she did with her boyfriend, and she would even depict the scenes in some of her art in the class. Well one day as I was walking into class I casually asked her how she was doing (in an attempt to be friendly and sociable), to which she responded by threatening that if I ever said another word to her she would accuse me of "sexual harassment". I didn't even know what to say to that, and again I didn't want to press my luck by asking what I had possibly done, so I just sat several tables away and didn't associate with her the rest of the semester.
I didn't do anything to try to offend or creep girls out either. I was polite, dressed decently, was clean/tidy in my appearance, wasn't overweight (I've always been a fairly skinny guy), didn't flirt with/hit on/stare at girls. Back then (I graduated from college a few years ago) I felt like even approaching a girl to casually say hi might somehow cause her to flip out on me and do any number of horrible things (like falsely accuse me of sexual harassment) just to get me to go away.
However, there was one girl that would actually talk to me back in high school. She was a bit odd herself, so that may have something to do with why she would even give me a chance. This girl would talk to me at school and sometimes hang out with me during lunch. She would even call me up to chat with me about this or that over the phone. Sadly other girls she knew/associated with didn't seem to like that I was talking to her and would give me weird or dirty looks. This gradually shifted to the girls who saw me around her calling me a creep and other things when she wasn't around. After a while she came to me and told me that she was going to be going to a new school the next year, but that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. The way she said it and her somber attitude (normally she was very cheerful and outgoing), as well as the way she was saying it gave the distinct impression that the other girls had been trying to convince her to see me as some sort of creep too.
It really hurt losing a friend like that. Especially one that helped to dispel the belief that all girls were just inherently offended and repulsed by me for some unknowable reason.
I have plenty more to share, but it'll have to wait for the next entry. Right now writing this has me feeling a bit exhausted.
As I was saying before, by high school girls were looking at and treating me like I had the plague or was a creep for reasons I couldn't even begin to guess at the time. Girls wouldn't tell me why, guys treated me like I was an average/normal guy, teachers/adults treated me like I friendly/mature/bright student, and my mother was unpredictably emotionally abusive to me. So overall I was feeling very confused and the only "logical" reason for such a huge discrepancy I could come up with was that there was just something inherently wrong with me that made my existence/presence somehow off-putting and offensive to virtually all girls.
At times I even went through brief bouts of depression where I would question (always to myself though) whether or not any of my friends in high school were actually friends with me or if they were just guys who tolerated me and didn't want to offend me by telling me to leave them alone. It just didn't make sense in my mind that virtually every girl I encountered treated me the way they did while guys and adults treated me the opposite.
I don't mean that girls just saw me as some unpopular or weird guy and thus didn't want to hang out either. There was some serious animosity in their dislike/hatred of me. From the time I was in high school up through my first few years of college there were at least 2 incidents (that really stick out in my mind) where a girl would threaten to falsely accuse me of "sexual harassment" out of the blue to get me to stay away from her. In one case in high school I was sitting with a group of friends just listening in on the conversation and trying to participate where I could when a nearby girl suddenly started threatening to report me for "sexual harassment". Not because of anything I was saying, but (as she eventually told me after much pleading to know what I was doing to offend her) because of my pants. I was wearing normal blue jeans that fit me and weren't baggy, but I didn't want to push my luck by contesting her threats and ultimately got up and left.
Another time this type of situation occurred was in college in a studio art course I was enrolled in. One girl was always coming into class and openly chatting about her sex life and all the kinky things she did with her boyfriend, and she would even depict the scenes in some of her art in the class. Well one day as I was walking into class I casually asked her how she was doing (in an attempt to be friendly and sociable), to which she responded by threatening that if I ever said another word to her she would accuse me of "sexual harassment". I didn't even know what to say to that, and again I didn't want to press my luck by asking what I had possibly done, so I just sat several tables away and didn't associate with her the rest of the semester.
I didn't do anything to try to offend or creep girls out either. I was polite, dressed decently, was clean/tidy in my appearance, wasn't overweight (I've always been a fairly skinny guy), didn't flirt with/hit on/stare at girls. Back then (I graduated from college a few years ago) I felt like even approaching a girl to casually say hi might somehow cause her to flip out on me and do any number of horrible things (like falsely accuse me of sexual harassment) just to get me to go away.
However, there was one girl that would actually talk to me back in high school. She was a bit odd herself, so that may have something to do with why she would even give me a chance. This girl would talk to me at school and sometimes hang out with me during lunch. She would even call me up to chat with me about this or that over the phone. Sadly other girls she knew/associated with didn't seem to like that I was talking to her and would give me weird or dirty looks. This gradually shifted to the girls who saw me around her calling me a creep and other things when she wasn't around. After a while she came to me and told me that she was going to be going to a new school the next year, but that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. The way she said it and her somber attitude (normally she was very cheerful and outgoing), as well as the way she was saying it gave the distinct impression that the other girls had been trying to convince her to see me as some sort of creep too.
It really hurt losing a friend like that. Especially one that helped to dispel the belief that all girls were just inherently offended and repulsed by me for some unknowable reason.
I have plenty more to share, but it'll have to wait for the next entry. Right now writing this has me feeling a bit exhausted.
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