Journal Entry for 5/14/11 (I need a hug....please?)
I was thinking about making this a goal update as well, but considering how I'm feeling...I can't. I just can't. Apologies.
I did succeed in finding a mood chart...it runs on a Sunday-to-Saturday cycle so I'm starting on that tomorrow. That's the good news. The bad news is that it could be some time before I start feeling much in the way of effects from trying because I feel so bad. I have a laundry list of regrets from this semester, even if I have all nine of my credits all but locked up (and the first three have already been secured).
So I guess I'm going to have to open my personal Pandora's Box and just list them here:
I regret not having the confidence to tell myself everything would eventually be okay when trouble hit early (the first two weeks of classes were affected quite badly by snowstorms, which is typical of New England winters).
I regret not coming here sooner when it became obvious that I don't relate to anyone on campus because of serious trust issues.
I regret breaking down so badly that I had to make a choice between attending a seminar on stress management that I felt I realy needed to attend and attending the class I had immediately following it, because I knew my attention span wouldn't hold up that day. I hate missing classes with a passion so I cut the seminar, which might go down as the worst decision I ever made.
I regret missing two classes anyway when I horrible sleepless streaks in the weeks that followed that incident, probably a direct result of missing the seminar.
I regret that the only way I've been able to deal with my stress is to lash out at somebody for nothing more than simply being in my way. This means that my parents have taken a lot of unnecessary flak from me, and today has been no exception (it hasn't helped that they've been unsupportive, but that doesn't justify the behavior). I'll spare everyone the details because this is long enough as it is.
But most of all, I regret taking as long as I did to try to move to a career that I actually wanted. I can't tell you how much just floating into a career that my heart didn't want has hung on me.
I did succeed in finding a mood chart...it runs on a Sunday-to-Saturday cycle so I'm starting on that tomorrow. That's the good news. The bad news is that it could be some time before I start feeling much in the way of effects from trying because I feel so bad. I have a laundry list of regrets from this semester, even if I have all nine of my credits all but locked up (and the first three have already been secured).
So I guess I'm going to have to open my personal Pandora's Box and just list them here:
I regret not having the confidence to tell myself everything would eventually be okay when trouble hit early (the first two weeks of classes were affected quite badly by snowstorms, which is typical of New England winters).
I regret not coming here sooner when it became obvious that I don't relate to anyone on campus because of serious trust issues.
I regret breaking down so badly that I had to make a choice between attending a seminar on stress management that I felt I realy needed to attend and attending the class I had immediately following it, because I knew my attention span wouldn't hold up that day. I hate missing classes with a passion so I cut the seminar, which might go down as the worst decision I ever made.
I regret missing two classes anyway when I horrible sleepless streaks in the weeks that followed that incident, probably a direct result of missing the seminar.
I regret that the only way I've been able to deal with my stress is to lash out at somebody for nothing more than simply being in my way. This means that my parents have taken a lot of unnecessary flak from me, and today has been no exception (it hasn't helped that they've been unsupportive, but that doesn't justify the behavior). I'll spare everyone the details because this is long enough as it is.
But most of all, I regret taking as long as I did to try to move to a career that I actually wanted. I can't tell you how much just floating into a career that my heart didn't want has hung on me.
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