journal after the fire

it's amazing how 'shocked and turned around' the whole event made me feel.

I stayed at two different places, so thankful for friends and family who put me up for the night(s).

I was so turned around and the city is so busy and big. Half the time I wanted to flee and be on my own

but then also I realized how nice it was to be with people - though I feel socially uncomfortable

when with them too - But when I finally came back to my apartment today - I felt healthy enough 

to see that I feel mighty lonely out here in my place - and that hollowness I try to fill - but I also started to see what I do around here on my own to feel safe, snug and ok about things. I have no one to bounce off of - and so I bounce off my own mental constructs. It's kind of weird I know - but I also noticed when I am with people and then go away from them - I am so worried and it's hard for me to let go - because of how my mind and the illness works (my mind goes solid as if to keep in place). I just woke up from a nap and I know I have things I could probably do around here. I had a lot of energy in the city - I had no choice too because my time was not my own -they were all game and ready to travel everywhere - now back at home I am kind of slowing down again.