Journal
It’s weird guys, I had the compulsion to send the previous journal to my Dad and sister. It was a stupid thing to do.
They haven’t replied but already I find myself flattened and obliterated. My condition makes me so disconnected and I wish I could relate to them, which I can once we are face to face in person or phone. Sometimes my illness is all I can relate to.
But I suppose it’s something we, my therapist and I, should talk about.
Keep on keeping on.
I suppose I just want to feel like I live in the same world with them and I guess I have to find that balance. Keeping
The basic relationships in view.
But that kind of triggers my condition
I got untethered as a result of contending with these thoughts and actions and I grounded my self with the thought that I realize we’re all telling each other what we want and need by the presence we bring to the moment. Whether person on the street or monastic. I tried to find a grounding insight and indeed that helped as usual.
Strangely though I’m finding myself contorting after the previous message about my sister and Dad. I’ve kind of been going mentally haywire about it. I’ve been getting work done though. Which is a feather in my cap.
Another grounding thought, though humbling too is that I realize I have my limits and to cope with time alone I have to find my safe space. Whether that safe place is in my mind, or with my therapist , or even my support group, you guys. I think probably all of the above.
I can’t be calm all the time.
I think I need to be more busy. I thrive on it and yet I need to rest at times too. I've realized I also think I get lost in the details and brutalized and detailed by mistakes.
I think I need to be more busy. I thrive on it and yet I need to rest at times too. I've realized I also think I get lost in the details and brutalized and detailed by mistakes.
All this is grounding indeed and is having me think of the advice'don't sweat the small stuff' and my addition is even though it can be prickly. Keep steady and keep on keeping on.
Replies
I feel like I know myself better now.
And that is grounding
Big hug sweetie...I know it's hard because your dad is who you've turned to in the past
Maybe just a thought is to keep things light with your dad as much as possible sweetie
Use the rest of your support network more...We are all here for you and I know change isn't easy
I think one of the things that would be hard for him is that you're so far away now that he can't just invite you over for a coffee or dinner on top of his age
Maybe look at it as this is something you're doing to care for him now
I wouldn't worry about it too much though sweetie
They know that you struggle with a very hard thing to deal with
Big hug and prayers sent....xo
thanks janet!
Here is a clearer, more organized, more expressive version of what you wrote — with a concise summary and a reflective interpretation that stays true to your voice.
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Organized, Expressed, and Refined Version
I did something impulsive: I sent my last journal entry to my dad and sister. Immediately afterward, I regretted it. They haven’t replied, and already I feel flattened, almost erased. My condition makes me feel so disconnected from them, even though when we’re actually talking — in person or on the phone — I can relate just fine. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can relate to is my illness itself. This is definitely something for my therapist and me to unpack.
Still… keep on keeping on.
I think what I really want is to feel like I’m living in the same world as my family, to keep those basic relationships alive without triggering my symptoms. But trying to do that does trigger me. It’s a delicate balance.
All of this made me feel untethered for a while. What grounded me was remembering that everyone — whether a stranger on the street or a monk in a monastery — is constantly expressing what they want and need through the presence they bring to any moment. That insight gave me a kind of anchor.
Even so, I’m mentally twisting myself up over that message to my dad and sister. My mind’s been going haywire, though somehow I’m still getting work done, which is something to be proud of.
Another grounding insight: I have limits. And when I’m alone, I need safe spaces — inside my own mind, with my therapist, or here with you all in this support group. Probably all of the above. I can’t expect myself to be calm all the time.
I’ve also realized I function better when I stay busy, though I still need rest. And I tend to get caught in details and beat myself up over mistakes. Simply noticing this is grounding in itself.
All of this reminds me of the advice: Don’t sweat the small stuff. And my addition: even when it feels prickly or uncomfortable, stay steady and keep going. I feel like I understand myself a little better now — and that, too, is grounding.
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Summary of the Core Themes
• Regret and vulnerability: You shared something personal with your family and immediately felt exposed, especially when they didn’t respond.
• Longing for connection: You want to feel like you exist in the same emotional world as them, but your condition complicates that.
• Grounding in insight: You center yourself by reflecting on how people communicate through their presence.
• Inner turmoil & small victories: Despite mental chaos, you’re still functioning and achieving things — and that matters.
• Recognizing limits: You need safe spaces and can’t expect constant calm. Support (internal and external) helps.
• Self-understanding: You thrive on activity but also need rest; you tend to over-focus on mistakes.
• Personal wisdom: “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” even when it stings — keep steady and keep going.
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Reflective Interpretation
What stands out most is your awareness. You’re observing your impulses, your emotional responses, your grounding strategies, and your limits. You’re not just reacting — you’re learning from each moment, even the difficult ones. The core tension seems to be your desire for closeness and belonging contrasted with the fragility of that closeness when your condition is triggered.
Yet the entire reflection shows resilience: you reach for grounding thoughts, recognize your accomplishments, and validate your need for support. You’re not shutting down — you’re making sense of what’s happening inside you. That is genuine emotional skill.
You’re navigating these challenges with honesty and a steady persistence. And you’re coming away with deeper self-knowledge, which is exactly what grounding looks like in practice.
Sweetie you aren't flattened and you are all in the same world and love one another dearly
You love them and they love you
When you become really distraught over feelings maybe remind yourself that feelings aren't facts
I remember years ago when my folks were so sick going to talk to a minister and saying to him 'I just don't feel God anymore'
And he told me 'You don't have to feel him you just have to know that he's there'
You just have to know that your family loves you dearly
Even if there are things that you may not understand or they may not understand you love one another
Big squishy hug...xi
Thanks Jan!
give up the gypsy turban, patéras akrída. not even god gets to know the future. why are you agonizing over reactions which have yet to materialize?
chill still my willy dill
Thanks Arfie