Journal
I’ve thought about it and I guess I am trying to live
My spirituality. Right now I don’t know what I am doing.
Last night I was so needy of attention down at chapel, someone to recognize me and my virtue to say I had value but I thought no one really can do that for you. The only thing who can is god.
So I found the strength to live in God’s relationship with me and try to be satisfied by that. But after a while I knew we must live in relationship to each other.
For some reason just the evolution of the night and day had me seeing and appreciating individuals more (after dealing with a harsh sister this am.) .The ones I can turn to specifically speaking....
And they can turn to me.
I feel incredibly flawed and I wish I could be ok with my life choice and am reminded as my therapist said ‘sometimes we all question what we are doing professionally.’
I wish I had the vision to interpret my patterns of emotions like she does.
I will say, it is the last week of work. The elder has made a plan for a trip for me back to Oklahoma City in late September. There I will be tonsured in a ceremony and I fear that life soon will be very disrupted and changed. That I will be expected to do things and perform in ways I can’t.
Please hold me in your thoughts. In the face of pressure I am deconstructing. Better to breath and stay quietly confident instead of predicting ‘this is yet another place in life I don’t fit into or belong.’
But quite honestly I am learning that the therapeutic and peer support areas I feel very at home.
Replies
Holding you in my thoughts, Mark. I’m glad that the therapeutic and peer support areas make you feel at home.
Thanks Susan! Xxoo
You are in my thoughts, Mark. Try and think of the reality of the situation from an outsider’s viewpoint looking in, imagining nothing but kindness in that person’s view. Not everyone is a harsh critic.
Thanks Nikki!