Journal #4

I have not kept up well with this, at least not how I intended it to be.. I suppose it never is in reality,,, I find that the older I get the less focused I become ,, and the easier I shift from past episodes that become unintentional,,. Well, here it is the begining of June and the pandemic is still here, hasn't receded much since it took over the world,, it has pretty much ruined at least temporarily my life. In truth there wasn't all much there to begin with, but now it has shrunk to it being mostly unrecognizable ... I am not alone in this I am sure ,,, We make up reasons to restructure our day to day, but it almost becomes a senseless endeavor ,,. I had a therapy appointment last week that I cancelled ,,the reason was it would have been on the telephone, which takes the humanity out of the session, and I had nothing really to talk about since my last session as nothing had changed ,, This was before the killing of George Floyd which sent the entire country into a tailspin which continues to this day. That event coupled with the virus coupled with a general systemic depression that affects most everyone only served to make things exponentially worse..

I continue watching lots and lots of movies, cannot go out anywhere ,,,I think if things return to normal I may begin an alcohol binge which will most likely finally do me in,,, well,, at least I would feel better for a while at least ...not a good idea with my current medications, I know that all to well, so forget that idea.

It is almost 4am again and my sleeping regime has shifted drastically since this pandemic and I am sleeping mostly in the daytime and obviously cannot sleep at night anymore ,, at least till I can reorient my body clock, and under the present circumstances that will not happen. My focus is mostly limited to what I eat at dinner (usually a soup or sandwich or something similar ,, I still gain weight not sure what that is about ,,,well ,, I don't excercise at all which may account for the weight. My mood really sucks but I do try to maintain my sense of humor as much as I can,, which ain't easy !!

I am able to maintain my monthly bills which obviously is a plus, my TD account is stable and inching it's way forward,, (market still goes up and down depending on what goes on). Wish that someone somewhere would come up with a vaccine for this ,,,but that will not happen for quiet a while it would seem,,, SO THIS IS THE NEW NORMAL,,,