Journal

Another day, another reminder of all that's holding me back. 

My mom came in this morning and put a thicker blanket over me because I only had a thin one. It felt nice and I suddenly realized how much I've been craving touch and caring. As much as I push for independence I can't help but want for that. I don't think human brains are built for complete individuality, like what you'd get as a college student. Doing your own laundry, cooking all your own meals, cleaning everything yourself, taking care of yourself when you're sick, transporting yourself everywhere, etc. It's complete independence but also complete solitude. Is that really what I want? 

I think I've been annoying my friend again recently. It was more fun catching up before but yesterday I slipped into more of a validation seeking spammy zone. Today I want to scale that back but I feel kind of ashamed about it. That always seems to happen when I get too close with someone. 

I feel so tired again. I get up so late these days because of morning depression and I haven't gotten a fulfilling night's rest in a long, long time. Studio class leaves me exhausted every single time. Is it chronic fatigue or something else of the like? I feel too tired to want to do a lot of things these days but I keep convincing myself it's just depression/anxiety funk. 

I'm just so tired. It feels like many things are stacked against me right now. And every day. As much as I fight every day, I don't know if I'll ever get to the source of everything.