Journal

My therapist emailed me today saying that she doesn't think she's the right fit for me, and recommended some other therapists. It definitely stung when I saw it first thing in the morning, it made me want to go back to sleep. The bed is safe, the blankets are warm, it's seemingly the one place in the world where you can stay and just be comfortable. No pressure, no strings attached. 


I'm still processing how I feel about that. Though to be honest, I haven't felt like I can process things right. I get so mentally exhausted after a normal day that my brain feels empty and heavy at the same time. Heavy with all the burdening thoughts I haven't addressed, empty and unable to address them. But I'm trying. At least, to get to them slowly. And I'm trying to be honest with myself, and intentional with what I do. And not rush things out of insecurity. 


To be honest I don't miss my friends a lot. I miss one of them more than the rest because it was much easier to talk in person than over text with her. The others, talking over text seems fine. Maybe I've just forgotten what it is to spend time together in person. It was always a mix of fun and absolutely exhausting, so part of me likes not having to leave the house or take time out of my day for it. 


Something still weights heavily on my mind and it's driving me a little nuts. There's always that feeling that there's something I should do. I used to understand that this feelings was harmful and unpleasant, but I now feel this way all the time, and don't know how to rest besides denial and ignorance. That's how I lived for a months before, and it was torturous. Now that I'm realizing it, if's not any more pleasant. But it's better.