Journal

I am feeling very bad. It's one of those days where my mindset/hormones/brain chemicals suddenly takes a turn for the worse and I suddenly feel extremely fearful/unsafe, bitingly lonely, and regretful of everything I do and every moment I'm awake. It's the feeling that my very existence is something to be ashamed of, that everything I do is laughable. It saps all of my motivation to try or do anything. It often does feel like the result of my effort is minimal. 

It's a scary feeling to not know if I'll give up on my own life again. If I don't fight for myself, no one will. No one will try to pull me out of the pit. No one will nurture me back to health or try to rescue me. I willingly burn bridges with my parents and it's very hard to form and maintain bridges eith others. If I want help I have to ask. If I don't say anything, no one will see, and no one will take care of me if I'm sick. I guess it hardened me in a way that makes me sad. I had several days of stomach pains/nausea last week that messed up my appetite and I mentioned it slightly to my parents with effort. After that it was just a matter of dealing with that myself, again. I don't think it'd bother most people to have to deal with pain and take care of themselves. But it makes me sad. The world doesn't stop for me, not a speck of it. I'm always fighting to keep myself awake and okay to face the world, but at the end of it all, is there even anything there for me? 

I burned bridges with the one who loved me, intentionally. I started it and I said some pretty harsh things. I could tell I was done with that relationship and I have been for a long, long time. Staying in it was lying to myself. But the lack of security of being alone eats away at me sometimes. If I fall, no one will be there to catch me. Not that I was being caught anyway, by those last couple months. 

I am making an effort to connect with people. I find that when I talk to people I'm usually the first one to engage now. I'm tired of waiting for the first text and tired of wondering if I'm being weird or overbearing. The truth is, people are self absorbed nowadays, and even more so in pandemic times. People rarely reach out first to me. But if I reach out first, ask about their day, it's probably more of a favor than anything. 

People seem to be doing so well. Even my friends who I know struggle with school and life don't seem to be struggling nearly as much as I am. One day and I'm knocked down from the high horse I was on the day before. One day and I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, and ashamed of my life again. It could be wiser to just accept that my mood is cyclical like this, with moments of intense happiness and moments of intense pain. Knowing that the pain is just behind the hope and the hope is just behind the pain. Then it wouldn't knock me down so hard every time I feel this pain. But I hate it. I just want to be normal. I want to be stable. 

Though I try I don't have the same vitality I used to. I guess being in this house with this family will do that to a person, and I can't blame myself too much. It occurs to me lately that my greatest issue with my family isn't that they abused me sometimes, it's that I simply never bonded with them. As a result I've had problems bonding with anyone all my life. I don't know how to compromise for other people and I don't know how to love or form a relationship or keep one up. I feel like I'm always guessing with those things, though I constantly try. It just feels like relationships don't stick. I don't know how to care or feel cared for, I may feel cared for and close to a person temporarily only for that feeling to disappear again. That and the frustration that comes with it makes me more selfish in relationships than I would like. 

I'm so tired. I just want someone I can physically touch who will love me and help me heal from all of this pain. I've been feeling vulnerable for so long and it feels like the word is moving on without me.