Journal

I'm just TIRED. Tired and dissociating to the point where every moment felt like a pain to get through, like the last five minutes at the end of a long work day. But I feel like this much faster, whenever I feel like executive dysfunction/dissociation is getting out of control and sounds grate on my nerves and people begin to really stress me out.

I don't want to get back to work today.. I don't feel like I even know what I'm doing anymore.. the program's not working for me and I've almost lost my save twice. Nothing's snapping right, it doesn't line up, it doesn't make sense. I think I'm overthinking it. I'm feeling so out of it. I can't remember myself and I feel randomly angry and bitter about things, and I really hate feeling like that. It tires me out mentally and it makes me feel disgusted with myself. 

The two subjects of my bitterness nowadays are my ex boyfriend and my ex-friend. Our breakup is still fresh at three weeks old. And my ex friend slowly drifted away to her dumb-ass Christian stereotype - conspiracy theory covid ignorant bullshit. At least that's how it seemed from the last few times I talked to her and what little I see from her social media. Either way, our friendship before seemed kind of one-sided. We shared some good times and bonding moments together though, so it makes me sad to see things disappear like this, with no closure. It makes me angry. At her. 

Architecture work has been an extreme pain in the ass this week with hours of work and seemingly less and less to show for it. I'm exhausted. My schedule is very thrown off as I've been waking up at 11 and sleeping at 3 in the morning. My dad gets randomly angry at me for one thing or another. I just feel overwhelmed.. 

Things people said in the past are sticking in my head again.