Jessy\'s FIRST ANGEL DAY!
oh my god, can it actually be a year already! oh my god, i am so scared. i am vomiting again, and i am sick sick sick with grieving and longing.i cant believe its actually a year since jessy died.its been hell, its been hard. i dont think i'm even out of shock mode yet. its just been like going through all the motions. like a robot. like a sick robot! the last year has brought me physical pain, i believe worsening of my leaking valve in the heart, and the damage to my hypothalamus/ thyroid. everything went wacked out of normals like unbelievable. added to that, the sleep the exhaustion like NO-ONE can imagine, together with the pain, i believe i have developed chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. i feel like im suffering in silence. people out there have a strange attitude when you say such things. no understanding for it. i am doing all i can for my family still, during the hours that i CAN operate well. and slowly i am finding ways where i am drawing bits of strength ..... like the times i spend gardening in my own garden..... the times i am loving and playing with my dogs most important is my husband and kids, but those are places i am still anxious in cos its where i really have to PERFORM, and a mother's job is so so hard, and demanding. and its still very very hard trying to pretend to be happy and strong. when inside im shattered and burnt out. so im trying to draw a little strength from where i can, which is not too many places right now. i hope and pray that in time, i will find more strength.cos right now i dont have NEARLY enought strength to get through and survive each day. i am sick.oh god, how does one get through this pain.i've let the pain become a part of me, im trying to go with it, grow with it, let it be a part of me without fighting it off.but i dont know where we're going to, me and my pain. ive got to FLOW with the pain, but ive also got to MAKE things happen. not sure i know where that line is right now, or how to incorporate the pain into my new life. i just dont know how or where everything fits in together. i dont know. i dont know.
Replies
i am right beside you holding your hand in mine, sister. and i know jessy is too. i am right beside you and understand. i love you, marianne.
I\'m so sorry you are so sick. I hope your strength will help you get through all of this. Jessy is always with you and she knows hope much she was loved. Your a great mother and wife.You have done a great job in life. Love yourself and be good to yourself. I am so with you. I also am here for you. Kelly
Sometimes when we are sick Jan it\'s our body\'s way of saying, \"do nothing\". You don\'t need to \"MAKE\" things happen all the time. It is Ok to slow down, even come to a complete stop sometimes. You are there for your darling children and that\'s all that matters right now other than looking after yourself. Relax as much as you can. Sleep all day when the kids are at school if you have to. Give yourself permission to stop \'doing\' or even thinking for awhile. This is a tough time, we have enough burdens to carry without adding the stresses imposed by thinking, \"what now? What SHOULD I do next?\" Do what you can to ease the pain, that\'s all you have to do. Be kind to yourself my dear friend, don\'t expect more from yourself than you can do. You are an amazing person and you will get through. Big hugs, Charlotte.
Janice my friend I know it\'s very hard to still be a mother & a wife when we are in such grief. There are times I wish I didn\'t have to deal with it, but I\'m also grateful for still having Tyler because I can\'t imagine how much worse I would be if I didn\'t have someone that I HAD to care for. I wouldn\'t ever leave my bed. You can only handle so much. So do what you can do. Take care of yourself, because you can\'t care for anyone else unless you are first taking care of YOU!!
I know how difficult that first angel day is, and the reliving of the nightmare over and over. All I can tell you is we understand, I\'m here for you, anything you need possible I\'ll do.
As far as being sick and your physical pain. I soo get that!! My physical pain has been horrendous since Heather\'s death. Stress can do so many horrible things to our bodies as well as depression. Depression & stress can make you hurt all over, and hurt terribly. You are stronger than you realize Janice. You just need to see it. Look at all you have endured and survived. I believe in you, and am walking with you side by side. Hugs & lots of love,
Candice
There are many here who understand and have walked a very similar path. It\'s not easy but there is hope. With time and work you can find the new you and enjoy peace and happiness. I can\'t tell you when but It will happen. We all still have moments of horrific grief and loss but most days have joy and happiness in them. Take joy where you find it, in the garden or with the dogs and draw on that strength for the tough times. Always here if you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. Love and hugs Cathy