Jessy\'s FIRST ANGEL DAY!

oh my god, can it actually be a year already!  oh my god, i am so scared. i am vomiting again, and i am sick sick sick with grieving and longing.i cant believe its actually a year since jessy died.its been hell, its been hard. i dont think i'm even out of shock mode yet. its just been like going through all the  motions. like a robot. like a sick robot! the last year has brought me physical pain, i believe worsening of my leaking valve in the heart, and the damage to my hypothalamus/ thyroid. everything went wacked out of normals like unbelievable.  added to that, the sleep the exhaustion like NO-ONE can imagine, together with the pain, i believe i have developed chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. i feel like im suffering in silence. people out there have a strange attitude when you say such things. no understanding for it. i am doing all i can for my family still, during the hours that i CAN operate well. and slowly i am finding ways where i am drawing bits of strength .....  like the times i spend gardening in my own garden.....  the times i am loving and playing with my dogs most important is my husband and kids, but those are places i am still anxious in cos its where i really have to PERFORM, and a mother's job is so so hard, and demanding. and its still very very hard trying to pretend to be happy and strong. when inside im shattered and burnt out. so im trying to draw a little strength from where i can, which is not too many places right now. i hope and pray that in time, i will find more strength.cos right now i dont have NEARLY enought strength to get through and survive each day. i am sick.oh god, how does one get through this pain.i've let the pain become a part of me, im trying to go with it, grow with it, let it be a part of me without fighting it off.but i dont know where we're going to, me and my pain. ive got to FLOW with the pain, but ive also got to MAKE things happen. not sure i know where that line is right now, or how to incorporate the pain into my new life. i just dont know how or where everything fits in together. i dont know. i dont know.