january 8, 2014

hi everyone it has been a while since i was here and alot has gone on first and foremost i am in my own place and safe.my dad had his first court appearance in december his next date is 1-13 he is being charged with 2 counts of aggravated sexual assault 2nd degree and 1 count of witness tampering for threatening to kill me if i said anything.i have continued to have these thoughts that i have no anwser to how could he do this do i cherish any of the good memories that i do have of him i am just not....i dont know i hurt so bad inside i feel that i have divided the family though nobody will say anything they probably dont want to get in the middle and cant defend what he did but he is family and blood is blood. i dont talk to anyone much in the family anymore and the one person i thought i could trust ofter my mothers death in 2001 i had nobody else and now i feel more alone than ever. i am kinda back together with my x husband we see each other but still live seperate lives and he is the only one i have left on my side that knows me anymore and the love is still there i get to see my two cats that he got in the divorce they love it when mama comes over on saturday nights to spend the night. with the three of them in my life i do not feel so alone and can keep my sanity for a while longer which feels like is hanging on by a thread some days i have been depressed alot and with being stuck indoors during the winter MINNESOTA WINTERS SUCK i have been staying inside because of the cold and my heart i realy do not want to have a second heart attack and yes seasonal affective disorder aka winter blues is not helping along with my mood disorder it is going to be a long winter and i want summer back already!!! we had no chance to enjoy the fall leaves they were on the trees one day gone the next. i have been thinking about and missing my mom alot these days her support and love would be real great right about now during this in a way i am glad she is not here cuz she would have killed him i know that for a fact she was not one to mess with.i wish he were dead honestly i cant help it.so that is where i am at right now.i will do my best to keep updating my journal here it is just harder as of late to put these thoughts down sometimes i cant even see the keys through the tears and i dont want to feel im not sleeping well either like i am afraid to go to sleep for some reason i am in a secure building with no buzzer system i know i am safe so why do i have this irrational fear of sleeping? nightmares? waking up to confront yet another day of pain? i just dont know and i have no clue as to how i am going to get through this thank god i have at least one person and two cats to help me that are not advocates or therapists or armhs workers or social workers someone who knows me for who i truly am who knows all my mannerisms and can tell when i am just putting on that brave smilly face so that nobody can see the pain but can tell otherwise he also keeps me feeling grounded so that i dont get too far into depression and not take care of myself properly. say some prayers for me tonight i sure could use them