January 2012

So much has been going on in my head and it feels so mixed up in my head and I'm not sure how to get it all out and yes I am the slacker that has stopped writing which I know is not what I should do but I did oh well. But as of today and many long talks it is in my best interest to start medication again. Not sure if I like the idea or not. Going into it I know the pro and con for both sides of it. I hate taking medication, heck I already slack at taking my vitamins and my topamax for my "headaches" (since we can't treat me for seizures until I have one on an EEG test, we will treat my headaches with seizure medication). But depakote and I are not the best of friends yes it is the only medication that has worked against my bipolar disorder and I like it better than Stormont West or ECT treatments but I don't like that I have to take three to four pills a day for it to work for me. Nor do I like that it pulls the calcium from my teeth and bones when I am already lactose intolerant so I already don't get enough in me nor do I enjoy the fact that it makes me hungry and gain weight especially with me home all the time. Last time I was on it I almost hit 200 pounds and really would like to not go there again because weight doesn't help my bipolar either. I am interested to see how well being on two anti seizure medications is for my random loss of consciousness, maybe I won't have that issue anymore at least. I also will get to start something to help control my OCD because with me not working it is getting out of control again, at least when I work yes I clean and yes I might be OCD about it and make a list and complain that the list doesn't get done. But I have spent three days finding things in the kitchen that need cleaned and it's annoying especially since we will be moving out within a few months. I will also be starting a new medication to help me calm down and hopefully curb the anger spikes I have, but some of those are probably due to lack of eating and lack of taking my medications but my doctor wants to try this medication to try to calm me down anyways because I haven't been able to sit still at our sessions lately. And oh joy a new sleeping medication, but not to help me per say sleep. Just relax me enough that I'm not scared to sleep, not sure how that is supposed to work. Sorry when you wake with marks, scratches, burns, cuts, and doctors can't explain them after all these years it makes me not want to sleep. Really hope this works if not February 13 I check into West for long term treatment again and I am not looking forward to that and I am sure that hasn't been helping the nightmares get better any.