JanS Mind MatterS

Hi all I will try not to ramble but I have so much going on it has taken me a couple of days to figure out how to write it and maybe I should make one for child hood trauma and one for marriage and then one for me and my son I guess being a mom I think I will start with my marriage.

I am married in September it was 10 years but it is the 2nd time we were married we first married n 1994 I cheated on him he was willing to work through it but I felt so guilty I just left. My job at the time the people there helped me out a lot and got me situated I guess you can say. When things got rocky and I got dx with Bipolar l with mixed states rapid cycler I lost that job and the people whom i  considered family it was tough I then met a guy that was perfect in the begining and then things went to heck after a coule years well into the third year he started to get physcial to say the least and I had no where to go and my son was about 8 at the time and having anxiety issues due to the atmosphere my only choice was to call my ex husband mike and we moved in with him immediately I came and went why woman and men go back to their abiseres is beyond me I dont know why i did i did it three times before I learned my lesson

After living with my ex husband mike for afew years we decided for Rogi my sons nick name to get married and try again all was fine ofr the mpost part of the first 6 years and then the last four have been hell he doesnt understand what I go through I asked him to go to therapy with me to work on our marriage and he said no if I would just do what he said when he said it we would be fine he is a but controlling but doesnt hit me or isnt verbal either he is just I dont know how to explain it we are more like room mates these past four years then a married couple there is absolutely no intimacy I always feel like I am ugly fat etc I have eating disorders which i hate talking about I am not over weight etc but when I look in te mirror I dont see what others see put it that way and mike not being intimate wit me doesnt help any.

He comes home from work and doesnt say anything to me ok I am not even exagerating here he says nothing he sits in his recliner watches tv and if I talk to him I stopped six months ago but when I use to try and have a conversation with him he would roll his eyes or say I talk non sense man I was just tryng to make conversation I must tell you you know how people say you can sit with someone and not say a word like a comfy silence hedre it is not it makes me feel nervous I am not being over exagerated at all all I do is read to escape my reality I dont know what to say he says I spend too much at the grocery then he says I cook too much of the same thing so I stopped going grocery andI stopped cooking I couldnt take the insults anymore and I finally got angry and stopped. Now he is compalining that he has to do everything he spends more than me at the grocery and cookd the same as me so he makes no sense when he says those things to me and yes I have said this to him

also we do not share anything I mean nothing we have separate accounts nothing is in my name except my sons jeep the house credit cards etc are all in his name it upset me at first but then I thougt about it if there is a chance I can work part time and get away frtom this unhealthy situation maybe I can do it withut worrying about all these bills and his credit cards since none are in my name he doesnt give me access to anythng if I need something he argues with me and makes me fight fr it we get in a big argument and then he says ok go ahead and givesme the money OK well I rambledlong enough sorry LOL Jan brothers and siters