Jack Rabbit
Happy 4th SOTH - I really had no intention to write a journal today but after reading what others wrote and their responses, here I am again!
The past 2 days I have had so much anxiety and "I can't believe what happened". I realize I have done a lot in regards to my daughter's things, I realize that maybe I pushed myself to get it done which I do feel relief - however I am often a late reactor to things (maybe it's the medical side of me, maybe it's just cuz that's how I am ) but I feel so anxious, feeling like a jack rabbit who just wants to run. If I really thought I could run away from this empty feeling, I would.
I've always been the responsible one, the one who has always been there for others, the one who follows what God wanted me to do (sometimes)....I have always tried to do the right thing, whatever that is and NOW I just want to REBEL - I want to run, I want to pretend I still have a daughter instead of "things". I want to scream, I want to drive as if there is no end to the road...TODAY I JUST WANT HAVE FUN, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO ASK "HOW ARE YOU?" - It's almost as if my life is now defined prior to my daughter passing and after she is no longer physically here. I don't feel normal anymore. I feel like I have another layer of ????? to me now - some would think that this makes me a "better person" or a person with depth.....I would give anything to not have this layer of feeling, this layer of loss, this layer of sadness , this layer of grief.....
My life is going on at least by the calendar - but in my heart my life has stopped tHAT night - November 26TH 2013 at 11:50 PM...My life stopped at that very minute......SIGH
The past 2 days I have had so much anxiety and "I can't believe what happened". I realize I have done a lot in regards to my daughter's things, I realize that maybe I pushed myself to get it done which I do feel relief - however I am often a late reactor to things (maybe it's the medical side of me, maybe it's just cuz that's how I am ) but I feel so anxious, feeling like a jack rabbit who just wants to run. If I really thought I could run away from this empty feeling, I would.
I've always been the responsible one, the one who has always been there for others, the one who follows what God wanted me to do (sometimes)....I have always tried to do the right thing, whatever that is and NOW I just want to REBEL - I want to run, I want to pretend I still have a daughter instead of "things". I want to scream, I want to drive as if there is no end to the road...TODAY I JUST WANT HAVE FUN, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO ASK "HOW ARE YOU?" - It's almost as if my life is now defined prior to my daughter passing and after she is no longer physically here. I don't feel normal anymore. I feel like I have another layer of ????? to me now - some would think that this makes me a "better person" or a person with depth.....I would give anything to not have this layer of feeling, this layer of loss, this layer of sadness , this layer of grief.....
My life is going on at least by the calendar - but in my heart my life has stopped tHAT night - November 26TH 2013 at 11:50 PM...My life stopped at that very minute......SIGH
Replies
Whether you realize it or not, you are making progress. If you want to scream, then scream! Give yourself permission to have fun. And, at least for me, my life is defined and always will be by \"the before and after\". But I will NOT let it be the total definition of who I am. I do not know how it could be otherwise. So I found that \"acceptance\" for me was the answer which takes a long time to finally come to. Hugs to you, friend.
Peace.
I also define everything as before and after...seeing all the celebrations today made me feel sad and lonely, even though if she were still here most likely we would not have been able to spend the day together. I have fantasies of running too...running away, building a new life far, far away. I hate it when people ask me how I am...usually I mumble something unintelligible or change the subject because I refuse to say that I am fine. I am not. I want to respond, \"How do you think I am?\"
Isn\'t it strange...months later there are moments of \"Did that really happen?\" \"What the hell?\" Such an odd and sad journey we are on...I am glad we have each other...No one else can understand.
It will be 3yrs in Sept since my son left his earthly suit and I am just as anxious as the first year. It is said that after the death of a child there is much anxiety. I can see why. I am very get startled very easily now. What you are experiencing know that it is \" normal\".
2nd yr was worse then the 1st and the going on 3rd year is pretty much worse then the 1st and 2nd because of the reality of it all.
Don\'t get me wrong, I have come along way since the 1st year. Although it will still hurt you will make progress. Now I do see there is hope, were as I never thought there would be.
Tight hugs
Laura
I am at the 15 1/2 month mark. Every word (well almost) that you wrote, I could\'ve wrote - and still could to this day. The overwhelming feeling of wanting to run and run and run. The inability to breathe. The always trying your best, being there for others and just wanting to scream. That your life is now defined as before and after. My life is in almost every way. I am not the same person that I was and neither are you. How could we be?
For a long time, and every once in awhile even now, I don\'t want to be a member of this group. I don\'t want to \"qualify\" And yet I do. I am slowly coming to terms with what my \"now\" feels like and knowing that next month and next year it will be different again.
What I am trying to say, and that you have heard here many times, is that what you are experiencing is ok, and many, many of us have experienced it as well.
I had an eye appointment a couple of weeks ago. My optomologist asked me how my heart was and my immediate answer was that half of it had died and the other half was broken. I looked her right in the eye when I said it too. Because, right now, right here, it\'s the truth.
Tightest of hugs, deepest of ***sighs*** Merrilee
Feel it all as you are and know that your loss is still so very new and raw. I don\'t remember a lot about my first year, but the ninth month was a kicker for me. I think the knowing that I had carried my son for nine month and now was carrying the loss really hit me.
I understand our grief and loss is as unique as each of us is, yet know that there are so many common heart threads that do bind us together. Anxiety, wanting to run, hoping not to be asked certain questions... Deepest of sighs.
Loving care as you feel it all so that you can heal and know that you have experienced the worst loss a mother could ever have to endure. Oh, how I wish this weren\'t so for any of us. :(
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Oh my dear. It is so very hard. I can so relate to the panic when you realize that this is not a dream. For a long time I really didn\'t know myself. I was not the \'me\' that I knew. I recall a staff member saying that she missed my laugh. I love to laugh. It was a long time after Lisa died that I could crack a smile.
Am I the same person I was before Lisa died? The answer is a definite NO. I can laugh now but I cry almost as much. I used to have panic attacks when I realized that Lisa was really gone. I did, and still do, crossword puzzles because they made me focus elsewhere. I felt disoriented most of the time. When I look back, I marvel that I could go to work soon after the funeral. But I did it. I was numb. I had panic attacks for quite awhile - I took Ativan.
Once I morphed in to the \'new me\', I no longer needed chemical help (except the antidepressants that I will be on forever).
I wonder if your body is telling you that you need to care for yourself to let out your feelings. I am a nurse and know full well the \'strong person\' role in the family. But you can only do so much. Please give yourself time to mourn - kick things, throw things, rant and rave. I think you are burying your own needs in order to help others.
As Joanie said, we mourn in our own ways but we do have a commonality that binds us together. We understand the emptiness, the disorientation, the profound devastation as no others really can.
Wishing you love and peace,
Huge hugs,
Marlene
It\'s an ever evolving journey we have found ourselves on. Not fair by any stretch of the imagination. I think there is no answer to the question of how are you? Recently I have answered with I\'m OK. Which is half true. Mostly I\'m ok to function through my work responsibilities, then can be my true self at home. The grieving mom, who misses her child so very much. It does lighten a bit with time and becomes more gentle to remember the good memories. It\'s one step forward and three steps back at times. I\'m here beside you in anyway that will be helpful. XOXO, Debbie
I don\'t have anything to say, that hasn\'t already been said, by our soth. Just know that I understand and I care !
(((HUGS)))...Julia
\"How are you?\" is a difficult question to answer. There is always a BUT. I am ok, BUT I miss my son. I am somewhat happy, BUT I miss my son. My life will forever be divided into before and after April 4, 2009. Cuts me to the core. Be gentle with yourself, no high expectations. Big ((Hugs)). Sue xo
Like so many have said, my life is divided into before and after...it will be 6 years in September ( although I can\'t believe it\'s been that long)...
I have had good times since but like Sue said, always with the but...
I have laughed, smiled, loved...BUT...I miss my daughter, I always will...no but...