Its Time.
I think today might be a turning point for me. Hard to say for certain, but it truly feels that way. I finally think I let go. A couple weeks ago, I found my ring, the one from my marriage, hidden away in a drawer as I was cleaning. When I'm sad and depressed, I tend to clean and try to reorganize things, in hopes that it reorganizes my mind some. Finding this ring, I think, triggered a series of emotions I wasn't really willing to deal with. It further plummeted me in my depression, and sadly she has been on my mind since then.
However, today, I decided to get rid of this ring. My best friend lent me his car overnight, in case I wanted to do anything today. I got up early, and after my exercises, I got showered, dressed, and went out. I treated myself to breakfast, and filled his car with gas, and took the morning and drove down to Ocean City. I had the music crazy loud, enjoying every second, every moment of that drive. Through the back woods of NJ, with no one around me, I cruised and relaxed, and thought, driving.
After an hour or so of driving, I arrived, and started to prepare myself. I almost turned around, but I stayed strong and got out of the car. 4th Street, in Ocean City will always hold a very special memory in me. I was married on the beach there, oh so long ago. The house we stayed at doesn't even exist anymore, but that beach, will sadly be engraved in my mind forever I surmise. And that is alright, I think.
I bravely however, walked to said beach, and stood where we got married, where I said my vows, and just took a moment to let it all sink back in. After a few minutes, noticing I was being watched by some construction workers, I decided to move on. I walked over to a nearby jetty, and walked out to the farthest reaches of it, where I sat down. And that is when it really hit me. My body became flooded with emotions, emotions I thought I had buried long ago.
Sitting there, it reminded me the night before our wedding. It was midnight, and we went out and sat there, not as husband and wife, but as two separate people, staring up at a full moon, scared to death of what was to come. And that is what hit me first. I thought about it, and didn't try to block it. I sat there, in tears, feeling the once very happy memories being tainted by her later actions. Almost in a sense of longing for that day again, somehow deep inside wishing it was that night, maybe I could of played things differently, and I wouldn't be sitting here today.
I took out the ring, and just sat there for awhile. I held it in my hand, playing with it, looking into the reflection of it, seeing my face distorted. I cried some more, and started to speak out loud. No one was there to hear me, and truthfully, I don't fully remember everything I said. I however do remember saying that even though she wronged me so deeply, that I forgave her, and that I could understand. The tears streamed down my face as I said these words, it felt like it had to come out.
Honestly, I can't blame her for leaving. As much as I may say she was a horrible control freak, who dominated every facet of my life, I have to wonder if I didn't force her hand some. Sadly, no one can give me a true response or answer, that isn't biased. All their answers tell me is that they are on my side, but no one can answer the simple question, what would you do in this situation.
What would you do, if you came home from working an 8 hour shift, to find your husband passed out, head slightly bleeding, from hitting the wall. To find that he was trying to be special and cook for you, but because he fell, wound up burning it, so badly that it reeked in the house for days. So bad, you had to get rid of the pot that was used. To find him, laying there, helpless, unconscious, in need of help. Does that not effect you? To have had this happen a good 30 times over the prior 6 years, in varying degrees. Falling and being unable to get up in the living room, or falling off the bed because of a spasm, or even falling in the shower. Finding your husband, all over the house, not knowing when you get home if he will be alright, or dying. Could you honestly say you would of stayed that long? Would you even be capable of handling that, let alone being so kind as to try and help? Or does it not matter at all?
I personally believe that was the final straw for her. That day, will always haunt me. 3 days after that she suddenly became "sick", with her 3 year old speech issue that doctors could only guess was anxiety. That moment in time, regardless of the fact that I can't go back and change it, is likely the final nail, that sent my marriage spiraling down. And because of this, I told her out loud I was sorry, with tears and sobs of regret.
Letting it off my chest like I did, helped me some. I told her I was sorry, and that she made the decision to move on. That as much as I wish I didn't have to, I had to move on too. I cried a little more, and prayed to God to give me the strength. The strength to do what had to be done. To show mercy on my poor soul for breaking my vows to her, for being less of a man then what she deserved. I pleaded with him to forgive me for my failures, for my sins, and to please guide me. I sat there for a few minutes after, before standing up. I kissed the ring, and said goodbye, as I tossed it gently into the water, where I watched it sink.
Without hesitation, I turned and walked away. I wiped the tears from my face, and quietly walked back to my car, and drove back towards home. As I got in the car, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I somehow feel like the burden is gone, and that I might actually be ok now. I feel like its finally time that I moved on. And I truly hope, after filing for the divorce and getting that settled, that my heart and soul, can truly be free to wander the earth, searching for the right person to spend the rest of my years, no matter how perilous, with and share in the experiences of life with them. I have hope that I'll find it one day, and I can honestly say, it is the first time since she left me, that I feel this way.
However, today, I decided to get rid of this ring. My best friend lent me his car overnight, in case I wanted to do anything today. I got up early, and after my exercises, I got showered, dressed, and went out. I treated myself to breakfast, and filled his car with gas, and took the morning and drove down to Ocean City. I had the music crazy loud, enjoying every second, every moment of that drive. Through the back woods of NJ, with no one around me, I cruised and relaxed, and thought, driving.
After an hour or so of driving, I arrived, and started to prepare myself. I almost turned around, but I stayed strong and got out of the car. 4th Street, in Ocean City will always hold a very special memory in me. I was married on the beach there, oh so long ago. The house we stayed at doesn't even exist anymore, but that beach, will sadly be engraved in my mind forever I surmise. And that is alright, I think.
I bravely however, walked to said beach, and stood where we got married, where I said my vows, and just took a moment to let it all sink back in. After a few minutes, noticing I was being watched by some construction workers, I decided to move on. I walked over to a nearby jetty, and walked out to the farthest reaches of it, where I sat down. And that is when it really hit me. My body became flooded with emotions, emotions I thought I had buried long ago.
Sitting there, it reminded me the night before our wedding. It was midnight, and we went out and sat there, not as husband and wife, but as two separate people, staring up at a full moon, scared to death of what was to come. And that is what hit me first. I thought about it, and didn't try to block it. I sat there, in tears, feeling the once very happy memories being tainted by her later actions. Almost in a sense of longing for that day again, somehow deep inside wishing it was that night, maybe I could of played things differently, and I wouldn't be sitting here today.
I took out the ring, and just sat there for awhile. I held it in my hand, playing with it, looking into the reflection of it, seeing my face distorted. I cried some more, and started to speak out loud. No one was there to hear me, and truthfully, I don't fully remember everything I said. I however do remember saying that even though she wronged me so deeply, that I forgave her, and that I could understand. The tears streamed down my face as I said these words, it felt like it had to come out.
Honestly, I can't blame her for leaving. As much as I may say she was a horrible control freak, who dominated every facet of my life, I have to wonder if I didn't force her hand some. Sadly, no one can give me a true response or answer, that isn't biased. All their answers tell me is that they are on my side, but no one can answer the simple question, what would you do in this situation.
What would you do, if you came home from working an 8 hour shift, to find your husband passed out, head slightly bleeding, from hitting the wall. To find that he was trying to be special and cook for you, but because he fell, wound up burning it, so badly that it reeked in the house for days. So bad, you had to get rid of the pot that was used. To find him, laying there, helpless, unconscious, in need of help. Does that not effect you? To have had this happen a good 30 times over the prior 6 years, in varying degrees. Falling and being unable to get up in the living room, or falling off the bed because of a spasm, or even falling in the shower. Finding your husband, all over the house, not knowing when you get home if he will be alright, or dying. Could you honestly say you would of stayed that long? Would you even be capable of handling that, let alone being so kind as to try and help? Or does it not matter at all?
I personally believe that was the final straw for her. That day, will always haunt me. 3 days after that she suddenly became "sick", with her 3 year old speech issue that doctors could only guess was anxiety. That moment in time, regardless of the fact that I can't go back and change it, is likely the final nail, that sent my marriage spiraling down. And because of this, I told her out loud I was sorry, with tears and sobs of regret.
Letting it off my chest like I did, helped me some. I told her I was sorry, and that she made the decision to move on. That as much as I wish I didn't have to, I had to move on too. I cried a little more, and prayed to God to give me the strength. The strength to do what had to be done. To show mercy on my poor soul for breaking my vows to her, for being less of a man then what she deserved. I pleaded with him to forgive me for my failures, for my sins, and to please guide me. I sat there for a few minutes after, before standing up. I kissed the ring, and said goodbye, as I tossed it gently into the water, where I watched it sink.
Without hesitation, I turned and walked away. I wiped the tears from my face, and quietly walked back to my car, and drove back towards home. As I got in the car, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I somehow feel like the burden is gone, and that I might actually be ok now. I feel like its finally time that I moved on. And I truly hope, after filing for the divorce and getting that settled, that my heart and soul, can truly be free to wander the earth, searching for the right person to spend the rest of my years, no matter how perilous, with and share in the experiences of life with them. I have hope that I'll find it one day, and I can honestly say, it is the first time since she left me, that I feel this way.
Replies
As sad as you are, I really think you could write a novel. really. glad some weight\' as we know it is gone. I hope you can move on and feel better.
Be well,
An amazing account of a brave struggle. Kudos. (:
Thanks Bamboolilly and Aiming2bwell. :)