it's real important to take the initiative
My friend Father Max was talking about why the masses probably chose to vote for Trump and that's because he’s so well known for being on “the apprentice” for so many years and represented a kind of reality and truth that had been present for some time from him in america.
Max is also very conservative and he makes comments about having to be politically correct when he doesn’t want to be and yet then conversely talks about being very disturbed and derailed by details of his life that aren’t perfect in his business image etc. He certainly couldn’t deal without the political correctness to spare his feelings it seems ?? maybe that's a bit catty of me
but it is how I think at times - and I know I need to shine the light on myself and my own dualities.
I thought about my contrast with Max and thought about my own Achilles heel. That I’m well surviving and would like to build a life that I'd like for myself and yet ‘no one is actually telling me I cannot.’ My inner critic tells me that there are too many minefields.
That kind of honesty is producing inspiration to move forward.
How that last thought resonates with me (in terms of building my own life and my apprehension to make a. move to do so) I find when approaching the question (or puzzler) of what to do with my free time, i very often spin through social norms or icons but I realize I’ve got to allow myself to consider those wild appetites and feelings I have and know there is a time and a place for it and in fact this is the time an place to allow myself to do that. Rather than sit back and observe only in my head. There's no social expectation to put on myself - it's important to just indulge in fantasy and passion with my awareness intact. Like wise I’ll need to transition back to orderly responsibilities when that’s over. And that's in fact what we each need to do in life.
I know when life started to count when I got out of college and in general, i became much more retentive about my choices. I had to get used to thinking for myself, the consequences and that was something I was not prepared for at that time. I got sick. And again I was doing well yesterday, but now I’m undone, my last therapist said ‘ you’re smart enough to figure it out but sustaining it is the issue.’
I’m really learning a lot. I have been working with Father Max, 38 years old, at altar and he is learning from me. He can be very aggressive as he learns, he asks for specific rules and is very scrupulous about his assignment, taking notes. When he’s off duty he relaxes and is nice. When we’re on duty I know I have to self validate and respect his dynamic for him and I my own (sorry I am fragmenting). He’s very capable, this is no judgement or qualm with him. I just realized what he uses to validate himself and I’m seeing how I validate myself and the other gentleman “Sam” how he validates himself. One needs rules another needs humor and somewhere there's a mix. I just have greater compassion and space for them and I don’t take on any friction - just appreciation
that we're all dimensional people with hearts and tender spots significant to each of us.. I can see how I can be laser focused in my outlook for answers when trying to do activities on my own but I’m looking outside that now, and focusing on my experience of life rather than exacting rules.
I keep looking for a vision to accompany me and guide my life. I get caught up in and lost in details and frozen. I don’t know anything but what I do know is I have a mental health challenge and in each person who has one, as there are others out there who have this too (I tell myself), it manifests differently. So I have to decide how I am going to handle it and respect that in myself and others.
I just had a rough and tumble conversation with Father Max about life stuff. It was a good conversation, I definitely need to regroup after it. I’m in my room and looking at all my stuff and remembering who I am in the aftermath. He kind of crushed me and frankly I am very insecure to just open up and stay in one place when talking to him. Anyways it got me thinking of the nature of identity reinforcement that we all have. Pagans chose their gods who reinforced who they were mostly about.
Anyways, interesting.. reinforcing ourselves and knowing how to do that is important. I am kind of writing all this in the hopes
that I can help someone not get lost to themselves like I have.
I took a nap - and then I woke and started to think about what I wanted.
I was hungry- and I thought 'but I don't have food and I am needing to diet'
that thought bumped up against my head again and again until it nearly became
unconscious - i realize how this in the past could have become a moment of freezing up.
i felt and had the awareness now to know that I need to take the initiative to do something.
So I took the mugs from our tea time chat and went down stairs and cleaned up.
Gratefully - i'm knowing now and understanding 'it's really important to take the initiative
and get my life moving.' We each need to make that step and perhaps with the knowing
how to reinforce ourselves in life amongst all the peoples - taking the intiative can have
a comforting feeling of self care - rather than a stark step out into the unknown. :)
Replies
You guys, I’m a broken record.
Big hug sweetie
You're not a broken record Marky...You journal about what's going on daily and sometimes days can seem similar
People are having pretty strong views on politics these last few years...Really world wide I think
That's the beauty of a democracy
We're allowed to have different viewpoints and embrace doing so
I'm sorry that you're struggling sweetie
If you think that you might want to move I would probably start really seriously start looking for another job
I'd look daily and put a lot of applications in
Maybe make your job be looking for a job if that makes sense
I would also see if there are churches that you could work some Sundays if you'd want to?
I'm not sure what they might pay?
I have a friend who's a minister and he's paid a couple of hundred dollars for a Sunday service
I think it will be easier to think about moving (if that's what you want sweetie) if you have an income lined up
Big squishy hug...xo
yeah, sometimes i get so lost in my questing ideals that i fail to notice what has been given me. kinda like that fella sinking into quicksand? god tried to save him 3 times. among my favorite mantras for this phenom is, "here and now. here and now."
broken record or fine tuning?
Thanks Jan and Arfie!