Its been too long again
I am sad and depressed and I am trying to maintain a positive attitude. yet I don't know what that is anymore. I don't like to smile, I don't like fake a smile. I am "happier" when I am mad or sad, or should I say I feel like myself when I am not trying to force a smile.
I miss my mother so bad that the pain feel like I am dying. I feel like something has punched my in the stomach. I feel anixous and like my head is shaking crazy like. I have cried and cried and is crying while I type. I feel like crap, or just depressed.
So, to explain for anyone that does not understand depression, I feel like I am carrying around a build on my shoulders, I don't want to wash, sometimes eat, to talk, to look, I just dont have the energy to do anything. Sometimes thinking of trying to do something is too much as well.
With all that being said, I still have a family of children to take care, single.
I had a good conversation with a cousin and she said I need to pray and ask God to help me my feelings. I have tried to use a theaparist, but she never have time for new patients. I feel like I am being pulled in too many different directions all at once. My cousion said that I need to focus on me and my "living" family, we need each other.
Christmas is coming up and now I have to fake smiles and happiness, I don't want to mess up Xmas for the children, but I just want to lay down and not get up. ( yes death) but I know I can't. Maybe it is just the depression talking, the tiredness of it all. I do need some me time. I have not had any, but the little that I do, I usually think about missing my Mother and what we would be doing at this moment.
Just so you know, my Mother and I was very close. My whole family is close, so losing someone is like taking the wind out of the sail. Logically, I understand what has happened and I understand the end result, but I MISS MY MOTHER AND WANT HER BACK!!!! It is a hard thing to lose someone that you love!!! It is not light or easy in anyway.
But I will do what my cousin said, which lean more on God and pray and fast about my mother and my pain and hurt.
Until later DailyStrength
God bless!!
I miss my mother so bad that the pain feel like I am dying. I feel like something has punched my in the stomach. I feel anixous and like my head is shaking crazy like. I have cried and cried and is crying while I type. I feel like crap, or just depressed.
So, to explain for anyone that does not understand depression, I feel like I am carrying around a build on my shoulders, I don't want to wash, sometimes eat, to talk, to look, I just dont have the energy to do anything. Sometimes thinking of trying to do something is too much as well.
With all that being said, I still have a family of children to take care, single.
I had a good conversation with a cousin and she said I need to pray and ask God to help me my feelings. I have tried to use a theaparist, but she never have time for new patients. I feel like I am being pulled in too many different directions all at once. My cousion said that I need to focus on me and my "living" family, we need each other.
Christmas is coming up and now I have to fake smiles and happiness, I don't want to mess up Xmas for the children, but I just want to lay down and not get up. ( yes death) but I know I can't. Maybe it is just the depression talking, the tiredness of it all. I do need some me time. I have not had any, but the little that I do, I usually think about missing my Mother and what we would be doing at this moment.
Just so you know, my Mother and I was very close. My whole family is close, so losing someone is like taking the wind out of the sail. Logically, I understand what has happened and I understand the end result, but I MISS MY MOTHER AND WANT HER BACK!!!! It is a hard thing to lose someone that you love!!! It is not light or easy in anyway.
But I will do what my cousin said, which lean more on God and pray and fast about my mother and my pain and hurt.
Until later DailyStrength
God bless!!
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