its been a while
Well I've done it. I've come up with a plan to keep my options open (why, I don't know... actually I do know why, its because I hope that he will change and that time apart will make a difference and I don't want to shut the door just in case), and he's gone along with my plan.
I didn't want to file for his residency. I didn't want to force it to fail meaning he could never stay here. I didn't want to be in a situation where the only option was for me and our daughter to visit him in the US or move there. And if I didn't force the app to fail then there was a good chance it would be successful and I'd be still stuck in the same rut with him.
So I told him the app would fail at this point in time, and that we just needed more time to pass to give it a better chance. I spoke to his aunt in the US and got her to help me convince him this is the only way. She has been very supportive and I trust her.
So we convinced him to fly back to the US for a few months before we do the application. If it fails, then we 'move to the US' but it could take a bit longer as we have to get financially recovered.
He is flying out next Friday. Myself and our daughter will be remaining here. I got want I wanted.........I think. Time apart from him to find my feet again.
I am feeling so messed up at the moment. Half of me is like "no, what have you done, you are sending the love of your life away, destroying the family, how can you do this to him, how can he cope without you, who will look after him and keep him out of trouble, how can you manage without him" and the other half of me is "no more eggshells when you get home from work, no more ranting lectures from him about how bad you are, no more pandering to his every need or feeling like that’s what I have to do, I can do things on spur of the moment, I pretty much do everything anyway so coping will be ok, and I will be more relaxed around our daughter, I'll gain confidence in being a mum. She won’t have to see him yell and shout, be angry and controlling.
I did it this way so that if he does change, I have options. I have done my reading and I know the chances of him changing is small. But I hope. Its costing me a big hit on my mortgage. It could have been easy to just have him deported but I couldn't live with that.
What has surprised me over the past couple of weeks is how I have been reacting. Firstly I just want to stop all this, do his residency as best we can in hope of getting it approved and then carry on life here; secondly if it fails, pack up and go to the States; thirdly how can I do this to him etc
I was almost totally forgetting the bad things - his ranting, blaming me for everything that goes wrong, sulking around the house, yelling at me, smashing things, threats, his Hyde and Jekyll personality, me walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off, when and what the outcome will be, the time he beat me up and blamed me for putting him in that position, his lack of respect for women in general.... these things just blacked out on me and I was focusing on keeping us together and feeling sooooo bad about what I was doing.
How does that go figure.
Well two weeks from now, I have a lot of figuring out to do and a few months to do so.
I didn't want to file for his residency. I didn't want to force it to fail meaning he could never stay here. I didn't want to be in a situation where the only option was for me and our daughter to visit him in the US or move there. And if I didn't force the app to fail then there was a good chance it would be successful and I'd be still stuck in the same rut with him.
So I told him the app would fail at this point in time, and that we just needed more time to pass to give it a better chance. I spoke to his aunt in the US and got her to help me convince him this is the only way. She has been very supportive and I trust her.
So we convinced him to fly back to the US for a few months before we do the application. If it fails, then we 'move to the US' but it could take a bit longer as we have to get financially recovered.
He is flying out next Friday. Myself and our daughter will be remaining here. I got want I wanted.........I think. Time apart from him to find my feet again.
I am feeling so messed up at the moment. Half of me is like "no, what have you done, you are sending the love of your life away, destroying the family, how can you do this to him, how can he cope without you, who will look after him and keep him out of trouble, how can you manage without him" and the other half of me is "no more eggshells when you get home from work, no more ranting lectures from him about how bad you are, no more pandering to his every need or feeling like that’s what I have to do, I can do things on spur of the moment, I pretty much do everything anyway so coping will be ok, and I will be more relaxed around our daughter, I'll gain confidence in being a mum. She won’t have to see him yell and shout, be angry and controlling.
I did it this way so that if he does change, I have options. I have done my reading and I know the chances of him changing is small. But I hope. Its costing me a big hit on my mortgage. It could have been easy to just have him deported but I couldn't live with that.
What has surprised me over the past couple of weeks is how I have been reacting. Firstly I just want to stop all this, do his residency as best we can in hope of getting it approved and then carry on life here; secondly if it fails, pack up and go to the States; thirdly how can I do this to him etc
I was almost totally forgetting the bad things - his ranting, blaming me for everything that goes wrong, sulking around the house, yelling at me, smashing things, threats, his Hyde and Jekyll personality, me walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off, when and what the outcome will be, the time he beat me up and blamed me for putting him in that position, his lack of respect for women in general.... these things just blacked out on me and I was focusing on keeping us together and feeling sooooo bad about what I was doing.
How does that go figure.
Well two weeks from now, I have a lot of figuring out to do and a few months to do so.
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