It’s been a long road
I was all set to have a morning free today but the priest who
was supposed to stand in for me called out sick.
I shifted gears and went down to the services already in
progress to fill in for him.
As I got there my mind shuttled through this person's history with me -
(he has a pattern of being dramatic and victimlike)
i managed my anger, trying not to have it motivate
me but ultimately I, in my mind, and in writing, when I had
the time to, I created a kind of character assasination,
though from a psychological sense. Not intending to be cruel or dark. What I was thinking and what I wanted, was to also
help him see his path and wake up to it. I couldn't bring myself
to send it -
I came back to my room, resolved not to send
that 'laundry list of observations' to the elder, as was
suggested to me. I thought too - well I must have this kind
of tendency in my own way too. So I questioned myself too
but could not see yet what it was- maybe 'being in the right and perfecting' was my fallacy thing
but I was not knowing it totally yet - i try to be measured and circumspect and decent.
I got ready to go on the family zoom
call as it's a Sunday tradition and then suddenly metaphorically heard the 'history rhyming.' I had
a memory that illuminated how I could handle the priest. It was in terms of how a canadian I knew when I lived in Toronto, how he was dealt with
by a bureaucrat there.
This older man, the man I knew, just had a pattern of 'getting off' on manipulating
and complaining. He did it to me and He was someone I learned I need to keep
a distance from after getting to know him. But
he described how the beaucrat in city hall had 'yes'd him' -again and again- though
he was not understanding why. This is how it felt
that the priest here was exhibiting in his pattern - and how was I to respond to him? Like the bureaucrat?
Perhaps just to accept that this was how he was (like I had decided
to react to the Canadian dude - as did the beaurocrat).
Anyways- - I got on the zoom call today and felt my perfectionist tendency starting
to take a back seat - as I realized we each had
our limits and tendencies in the family that we each must accept - but we show up
for each other on an emotional plateau of understanding - love
and compassion - flexibility - I submitted that 'exacting boundary of mine' to the group
understanding it's folly - and it being just my tendency too - as we each have a tendency in our lives.
at one point we talked about work - and I described to the group
what my job, that I was applying for l, was all about. It just sort of landed flat
to myself and them-
I thought I wish I could offer and contribute a cool job
to the family -
so the conversation went on - and we talked and had a good time.
I'm pretty happy right now - I am going to go out for a coffee .
Replies
I kind of live in a fantasy about people being perfect sometimes - and now I am coming
to know about myself and others, that kind of fall from 'idealized' to 'yeah that's one of their qualities. that's
part of them.' And part of me too.
We each have stuff. I am just coming to understand this in a more whole way and in different doses.
It's in my life from me and others around me.
You're right sweetie we do all have our stuff
I agree that sometimes boundaries are necessary to our well being
I think you have a very honourable career at the monestary Mark and I feel about the job you've applied for
You'll certainly be important to those who need your help
Big hug sweetie...xo
Thanks Janet!!
i don't see the world as it is. i see the world as i am. ~12 step proverb
i buy the notion that personal problems i don't share do not have the power to irritate me. playing the victim and/or drama star is not much in my nature. i can play with those human traits and lay them down at will. i am not often tempted, ergo, drama scenes bore me more than they move me.
i carry strong-minded opinions to psychotic degrees. insert rolling stones here: "hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud." psychotic nutjob coming at you! ! ! that's MY soapbox! ! ! i ain't being no drama queen about it! ! !
Good move to not send e-mail to the Priest.
Good Luck with the job you applied for.
Your additions to Sunday conversations are not in need of Big...just you being you <3
I think it's just a matter of excepting where others are on their own life journeys and not judging them for being different although if they are asking for counseling then you will need to understand where their problems lie so then it becomes discernment, not judgement, which is fine....hugs
Thanks Arfie, Mary Louise and Bob!