Its been 4 months and its affecting my sleep.
It has been 4 months since I lost my beloved love of my life Smokey. The last couple nights, I have not slept very well. Last night I went to bed at 11 p.m. and finally managed to fall asleep at 1 a.m. I got out of bed at 9 a.m. It is late for me as I usually am an early bird. I miss Smokey so much. Life doesn't seem to be worth living for me without Smokey in my life. Each day I wake up and say to myself "You are alive." At times I wish I never woke up anymore. My friend Carol and I go to church every other week. We are trying out new churches in our area. We found two that we like. I was going to Broadmoor Baptist Church for 21 years but am seeking other places to worship. I emailed Pastor Tom Mai that I lost my husband and he just offered me e-mail condolences. You don't expect that from a Pastor. My brother Don said Pastor Tom lost he sister around the same time. I can understand it but he should have said something to me as well like he shares in the loss of a loved one or something to that effect. He never said a word to me. Communication is very important in every area of our lives. I might go back eventually but along with a couple of other churches around to give me some variety. It is nice to see how other people worship the Lord as well. I am looking for work and have done quite a few on-line registries. I do emails every day of job openings. It doesn't seem to be working too well. My daughter Lisa said try the white pages. It is straining on the eyes but I will give it a try as well. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. My friend Carol is also looking for work in the same line as a receptionist. My brother Don is looking for work as well as anything like janitorial, construction help, security guard or kitchen dishwasher. It is peculiar how the grief is hitting me after 4 months. I have stretches where I almost feel normal but then it hits me big time like a tonne of bricks very unexpected. It's where I am at the moment. How have those of you dealt with this when it has 4 months? Today would mark it 4 months of my loss of Smokey. I would like to know. My heart is heavy with sadness of the soul and spirit. I don't feel like looking for work now so I am going to stop it for today. Grief wins out. Sigh! I am going to cry so good bye for now!
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Hey Diane. It will be 4 months the 3rd of April since my Larry went home. I feel what you feel...not wanting to live at times, feeling there is nothing for me to live for. I have days where I get through...never without crying some...but not as much. Then there are days when I cry the entire day. This past Saturday was a very bad day for me. That ton of bricks you were talking about hit me square on the head!!! I miss Larry so much..and I know you can feel the same pain as I do. I put on the video of pictures of my Larry (vacation pictures, us together, him with family and friends) that I chose for the funeral home to put in a video along with music to watch. I sat there and cried and cried...just remembering him as he was...and how we were...having such a wonderful life together. I broke down and called my good friend and neighbor when I couldn\'t stop crying and was realy thinking of doing something stupid. She came right down, talked to me and it really helped. She stayed with me for about 4 hours. I really hated the fact that I had to call her, but the shape I was in I realized someone had to come to stop me. I thank God she was at home.
I\'m sorry to hear about your son. I hope everything will be okay with him. It sounds like Smokey is your guardian angel for sure!!!
As far as your church goes, I agree with you. I believe your Pastor should have been there for you more than he was. I am sure he was going through his own grief and probably couldn\'t be there as much as he would had, but just responding to an email is very unappropriate, I think. That is not very personal in any way. If all he could do at the time was to pick up the phone and at least speak to you person to person would have been better than an email. I am sorry that he didn\'t treat you better. I hope and pray that you will find a church that you will feel comfortable and can feel the Holy Spirit at.
I wish you the best at finding a job too. I know how it is and that is just adding to your stress level as well. Please be sure to take care of yourself as best as you can. You are needed by your family and I\'m sure you realize that.
I\'ll close for now by telling you I am praying for you and I hope someday soon this nightmare will be over...at least the crying part and the feeling of being lost without our husbands. We can get through this with the Lord\'s help...it\'s just going to take more time. I know I am probably being impatient...wanting it right now...but I have to understand that it\'s going to take a lot more time. Take care of yourself and again, know that I am thinking of you and praying for you!!
(((HUGS))) Cathy