Its been 4 months and its affecting my sleep.

It has been 4 months since I lost my beloved love of my life Smokey.  The last couple nights, I have not slept very well.  Last night I went to bed at 11 p.m. and finally managed to fall asleep at 1 a.m.  I got out of bed at 9 a.m.  It is late for me as I usually am an early bird.  I miss Smokey so much.  Life doesn't seem to be worth living for me without Smokey in my life.  Each day I wake up and say to myself "You are alive."  At times I wish I never woke up anymore.  My friend Carol and I go to church every other week.  We are trying out new churches in our area.  We found two that we like.  I was going to Broadmoor Baptist Church for 21 years but am seeking other places to worship.  I emailed Pastor Tom Mai that I lost my husband and he just offered me e-mail condolences.  You don't expect that from a Pastor.  My brother Don said Pastor Tom lost he sister around the same time.  I can understand it but he should have said something to me as well like he shares in the loss of a loved one or something to that effect.  He never said a word to me.  Communication is very important in every area of our lives.  I might go back eventually but along with a couple of other churches around to give me some variety.  It is nice to see how other people worship the Lord as well.  I am looking for work and have done quite a few on-line registries.  I do emails every day of job openings.  It doesn't seem to be working too well.  My daughter Lisa said try the white pages.  It is straining on the eyes but I will give it a try as well.  Desperate times calls for desperate measures.  My friend Carol is also looking for work in the same line as a receptionist.  My brother Don is looking for work as well as anything like janitorial, construction help, security guard or kitchen dishwasher.  It is peculiar how the grief is hitting me after 4 months.  I have stretches where I almost feel normal but then it hits me big time like a tonne of bricks very unexpected.  It's where I am at the moment.  How have those of you dealt with this when it has 4 months?  Today would mark it 4 months of my loss of Smokey.  I would like to know.  My heart is heavy with sadness of the soul and spirit.  I don't feel like looking for work now so I am going to stop it for today.  Grief wins out.  Sigh!  I am going to cry so good bye for now!