it's all to be expected
I was behind the iconostasis today and I was grasping
at having some kind of orderliness to my person -
and yet i had a mix of anger and rage and nervousness
and then too a saving grace of a focus on keeping steady.
I guessed it’s all part of life? It's human nature?
We're human animals afterall
and we're not 2 dimensional linear pictures of 'person.'
Just as a tangential thought I found myself resorting to and losing myself in the phone.
constantly reaching for it to give me my dream world and indeed I wondered
if social media and online surfing have become like.
Our collective dream as people. Our fail safe place to go to???
It definitely controls us in weird ways.
Later today through errands and then time in my room I realized I had a near
constant stress and anxiety about me.Never relaxing enough. Not knowing the next move - and quietly
discontent. But then I realized like in any venture I have to
move through the stress. Even in a self motivated independent venture - I may not
want to deal with my anxiety - but everyone does - and everyone achieves things - not
in some orderly iconic way but - by hook or by crook (don't like that phrase) - but it in fact gets
messy with our adventures at times and then order comes from habituation.
I am telling myself to remember what it was like when I first started the Pavilions Job.
It was stressful, unpleasant and I was half crazed all the time but I knew I wanted to keep the
job best I could.....in time it became a habit - and a happy habit at that...
and the job here behind the iconostasis - at first I felt such chaos and secretly desiring it
to be some beautiful thing - but in the begining it was humiliating - and yet
this work too eventually became a nice habit - blossoming into
doing the things beautifully for my fellow monastics and parishioners - it takes time!!-
it will even be that way for starting my independent work as well
yet more meaningful because it's my own - but I still will have to push through the
stress and anxiety of it - just like writing this journal. I have ideas for myself and I need
to just push through the wall of stress about it - and eventually order will come!
choose happy here and got to get down to the cafeteria to prepare the meals.
Talk soon guys!
Keep on keeping on!
Replies
I get the feelings of anger that can bubble up
Cry over spilt milk!...I can holler!...lol
It does take time to learn new things and get comfortable with them
I think you've done an amazing job Marky
You haven't just learned a new career but a complete new way of living
Keep on keeping on sweetie
Have a good rest of the day...xo
I love you Jan!
Thanks!
Love you to sweetie...xo