its all bullshit anyway....

im crying..b/c i could never talk about how i feel with him..b/c im anxious about pool..i cant see his mug any more..i wanna play..i have fun with the girls but i really dont wanna see him! but i do wanna see him also..im so torn..wtf is wrong with me?  waht is wrong with me that i still feel hurt, that i still want to reach out..that i still want to somehow fix things??  im so embarrassed to even write it...it makes me sad cuz i'm so broke..i'm so broke b/c of him! 
i still owe on rent, have to pay the water, am searching for a 2nd job, pushing my oldest boy to get a job b/c i need help to pay for everything..my van ins't insured..i want him to suffer like he made me suffer...i can't help but think about him when i dont have anyting..i have a hundred bucks to last me..like 12 days or something..only have cupboard food and no meat.  i have $20 in gas which will barely make it a wk and i'm drowning and its all his fault!  it's all his fault cuz he fucken left me and would never talk to me..he will say shit but he wont say it to my face..
ok..i'm glad i wrote...i feel more focused now..i think this will be a wknd of journalling just to get this shit off my chest cuz he will never fix it for me, he never would.  i have a few wks before court and i'll get his money then..i'll get his money then..i keep telling myself..that's when it'll get better.  i got the garnishment that's gonna rip apart my chq so i'll be even more in debt and its all his fucken fault! dammit! what a piece of shit he is..