it's a good Christmas

Just had a morning of services and then morning meal.

I was introspective, for a change heh, behind the iconostasis.

I felt abstract and needed to motivate myself....

I realized my difficulty with starting down any new path

and yet I am also giving myself propers because here I am - at the monastery - on my own - starting

a whole new life - it's Christmas morning - and in my timidity to try to sort out

my solution to this personal difficulty was that I realized I wanted to have a sense of flow about my individual

pursuits - and yet that's not the way it works - you can't have flow before you know what you're doing eh?
I have got to deal with the

discomfort between starting at point A and then moving to point B

and yet there's joy that comes along side of doing any kind of new project start or even

job! I learned that while starting at the new market here - I had a lot of anxiety and dissaray

even though the job was partially familiar!

So things are good. So I realized I needed to have some acceptance for nervousness and discomfort which 

as a realization it kind of halved the issue into manageable rationalized chunks and bits. I can deal with the discomfort

and now my expectations are better set for myself and outlook -

I just kind of realized my life may not be all that special at a moment of taking stock and gulping - I may have a high powered family -

but I am just kind of an average Joe - I am ok with it - I know they love me even still - and I love

them! I can go down my own path with happiness!