It will be one year on Nov. 15th and I am dreading it.

It will be one year on Nov. 15th when Smokey died.  I am dreading it.  I don't know how I am going to react or what I am going to feel.  I told Dave that in the next month I might be a tad more emotional since it will be Smokey's anniversary on November 15h.  I gave him advanced warning.  I could be a total basket case.  I could cry more easily.  I could do a million things but it is all guess work on my part. 
I still have to deal with the car that is sitting in the apartment garage parking with storage insurance on it collecting dust.  I might go thru it with one of the dusting things.  I might also use windex on the windows.  It needs a spruce up that is for sure.  In the dust, I used my fingers to right "clean me." 
The Letters of Administration is taking a long time.  I hope to have it very soon.  I think it is soon coming to an end.  The lawyer needed the money for the probate fees.  Once it is in probate, I hope the application is accepted and I get the Letters of Administraton.  I also emailed the lawyer asking how much exactly will I have to pay her.  I want to know.  I am scared but I still want to know.
Monies tight with me.  The Life Insurance lasted only so long.  I keep money for the lawyer and the rest just for food.  In Canada, I do get the CPP Survivor's Pension which is $507.00 per month.  It pays my monthly bills.  I am worried about the yearly bills that come up next year.  I am still getting out my resumes after taking Excel Level 1, which I greatly enjoyed.  I hope something positive comes out of all these things.  I wish this aspect would flip around in a positive direction.  I pray each day about my job situation.  So far, my prayers have not been granted.  I know God is not a magic genie but He is God.  God can do anything He wants to in my life.  I figure God took Smokey away.  I figure God blessed me with Dave.  I figure God can open the door for a full-time job for me as long as I get my resumes out.  On Monday I was writing in my cheque book the current transactions that I did.  I freaked out as it was getting below $3,000 mark.  Dave came back and I was starting to cry so went to the bathroom to get myself in check.  Dave asked what was wrong and was it him.  I said it has nothing to do with you but I did not want to talk about it at the time.  The next day Dave was miffed that I did not share what was going on with me.  I finally did so he knows. 
These are my troubles.  I am doing the best that I can for myself.  It will all settle down one way or another.  We can panick, worry, fear and freak out alll we want, which does not help & just causes stress in our bodies.  I am taking it one day at a time knowing I am doing the best under these circumstances.
These are my thoughts, feelings and opinions from Diane B.

Replies

OnMyOwn2010
OnMyOwn2010

I can\'t even imagine where I will be in life at the one year mark...I\'m not even at the three month mark yet...I pray that God will strengthen you over these next weeks as you approach the anniversary of Smokey\'s passing. I am keeping your job needs lifted up before God as well; I know He will provide the perfect job for you @ the perfect time. You are doing your best,& that is all any of us can do. I send you BIG HUGS ~E~
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m very sorry that money is a continuing issue with you. I keep hoping and praying that you will soon have a job and feel better about things. I would guess that the probate will move quickly after everything is accepted and would hope that the lawyer won\'t take too much. That part is out of our control and pretty scary.


Dave is a lucky guy to be hanging around with you and you\'re very lucky that he\'s so tolerant and patient while you go through this heavy time.

I have no idea what a year will bring, either. I keep feeling really badly because of the season changing and it will soon have come all around the calendar for me as well, but I don\'t know what the actual day will feel like. I do have to schedule the unveiling - aiming at January 9th but haven\'t heard back from the cemetery yet. I guess I\'ll call them again.

Please keep in touch with me about how you\'re doing and especially keep updating me about the job situation and if there\'s any way at all that I can help. I hate to think of you under such pressure.

Hugs, Gail
deleted_user
deleted_user

money is currency it natural fears big bills your income in uk would be around 300$ week plus housing costs , so no idea how you manage so well.
when been poor learnt ways remember when my children were small walk laundrama buy cup soap powder for 10 p as didnt have enough for box , learnt how feed us all & fill us up on small income. hope soon things better for you
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am also coming up on one year on Nov.2 and I have told work I will be taking it off. I don\'t know how I will react either. I plan on taking off and heading to the cemetery that day..it\'s about a hour and a half ride from where we lived because my Dad and Sister are also buried there and it is where I was born. So, of course, Buddy wanted the remainder of his ashes to be buried there. When I do go I usually bring something with me (last time a little pumpkin and a balloon that said \"I love You\")...that was on our anniversary in Sept. It is hard to predict how we will react to such a devestating day in our lives..but I am going to try very hard to focus on his life, his love of living and the goodness and happy person that he was and forever will be in my heart and everyone elses that were lucky enough to have known him...Hugs Ellen
deleted_user
deleted_user

I hope your financial situation will be corrected soon. It\'s unfair that anyone has to deal with any other problems besides the grieving process.

It\'s hard to say for any of us that have not yet passed the year mark just how it will be. From the postings of others I think the anticipation of the day may be worse than the actual day itself......I hope that is true. I also know it won\'t mark the end of the journey just the end of the firsts......birthdays, anniversarys and holidays without them and I still feel very conflicted about that.

Just hang on and keep moving forward and we will be there for comfort and support. Hugs, Dianne