It takes two...
I am so sick of reading and hearing about how it takes two people to contribute to an affair (ie. husband and wife). That the betrayed partner has some blame to take on. You know what I say to that? FUCK that! Maybe in some cases that is true and maybe I'm in denial but when I look back on our relationship I can honestly 100% say that I am an awesome wife. I genuinely feel that! Am I perfect? No. But I don't think he could have asked for much more. He's just an idiot. Obviously there are aspects of my life I need to work on but I feel being a wife was not one of them.
I've been so mad the last few days, all over again. Started watching a show on Netflix called the good wife about a woman who's husband cheats on her etc. I think it's just bringing up a lot of unresolved rage that will never really go away. My husband is a stupid ass. Who cheats on their best friend? Their pregnant wife? The mother of their child? Their supporter, lover, friend, wife, fan....a stupid idiot. I just can't and never will understand.
I refuse to blame myself for his filth. His lies. He attended 3 sex addicts anonymous meetings and hasn't been since. He's apparently addicted to porn which led to his affair. Whatever, maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Who cares. It happened. It's so ridiculous though he told me that he started calling his issue "my monster" at the meetings like he's completely lost by this and is sleeping with anyone he can get his hands on and masturbating until it hurts. Go fuck yourself "monster". You watched porn and hid it, lied about everything and anything, and had an affair with some stupid old slut at your work for over a year. Want to know what a monster is? Growing up never being anyone's number one. Knowing no one will ever love you. Being so alone...finally getting over those feelings only to Find that...and it's not real. Playing with your 3 year old and 3 month old while on the phone company only to find out your husband has been having an affair for over a year...your entire pregnancy...after your baby was born...realizing while you were holding my hand and I was in labor you could have been thinking about her...keeping that stupid smile plastered to your face for your kids while finding out. Tickling and chasing them until nap time. Only then allowing yourself to implode. And only a little, to give in to the amount of pain cascading through your body would be selfish. Your babies need you. Sucking up your respect, your pride, your heart, and coming home after leaving so your babies will be with their father after the eldest cries for him. Swallowing your feelings...pushing them way down deep and pouring some distraction on them. Living with the fact that you were not enough every single day of your life. Living with the fact it could happen again, at any moment. Driving past the places you fucked. You working for the same company you met her at. Sleeping with your filthy body. Touching you. Thinking of all the lies. Dying inside all the while. Swallowing this shit of a life. Knowing this is it forever. Knowing that as much as everyone always says they would die for their kids, you are....inside. Crumbling. Crushed. Broken. Lost. Alone. Scared. Anxious. Hiding...
I still hope the disgusting slut he slept with dies. I realize that's sick but I crave her death. I hope for her pain. If I knew her last name I'd work actively towards ruining her life. If I knew what she looked like aside from the picture of her gross tits I'd be on the look out for her constantly. I hate her. I hate her. I HATE HER!!!! The first person in my life I've ever felt that way about.
About 50% of the time I'm irritated and apathetic towards my husband. I don't have much respect for him anymore. I'm just so much stronger than him and genuinely think I'm a better person. I don't think he's very intelligent, in more than just the affair.
I started having dreams about other men. Something that's never happened in the 10 years I've been with my husband. I'm a fairly sexual person but I very rarely even fantasize about him anymore. Our sex life is fairly weak and infrequent now. I'm just mad. I'm mad that I'm left with this. This is my life now. No money, no job, in school, two kids, and a cheating POS husband that doesn't deserve me and my loyalty. How did it all come to this? I was so satisfied and content before, money, work, stress, nothing else mattered because we had so much fun together and loved eachother so much and had such a great time together in and out of bed. Apparently that was all a lie.
When I hear about people cheating now I'm so mad. My reaction towards them is absolutely disgust. 100%. And that's what I feel towards my husband sometimes. It's been nearly a year and I still am trying to overcome this hurdle. This revulsion towards him and what he is. A liar. A cheat. Dishonorable. This is my life.
I've been so mad the last few days, all over again. Started watching a show on Netflix called the good wife about a woman who's husband cheats on her etc. I think it's just bringing up a lot of unresolved rage that will never really go away. My husband is a stupid ass. Who cheats on their best friend? Their pregnant wife? The mother of their child? Their supporter, lover, friend, wife, fan....a stupid idiot. I just can't and never will understand.
I refuse to blame myself for his filth. His lies. He attended 3 sex addicts anonymous meetings and hasn't been since. He's apparently addicted to porn which led to his affair. Whatever, maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Who cares. It happened. It's so ridiculous though he told me that he started calling his issue "my monster" at the meetings like he's completely lost by this and is sleeping with anyone he can get his hands on and masturbating until it hurts. Go fuck yourself "monster". You watched porn and hid it, lied about everything and anything, and had an affair with some stupid old slut at your work for over a year. Want to know what a monster is? Growing up never being anyone's number one. Knowing no one will ever love you. Being so alone...finally getting over those feelings only to Find that...and it's not real. Playing with your 3 year old and 3 month old while on the phone company only to find out your husband has been having an affair for over a year...your entire pregnancy...after your baby was born...realizing while you were holding my hand and I was in labor you could have been thinking about her...keeping that stupid smile plastered to your face for your kids while finding out. Tickling and chasing them until nap time. Only then allowing yourself to implode. And only a little, to give in to the amount of pain cascading through your body would be selfish. Your babies need you. Sucking up your respect, your pride, your heart, and coming home after leaving so your babies will be with their father after the eldest cries for him. Swallowing your feelings...pushing them way down deep and pouring some distraction on them. Living with the fact that you were not enough every single day of your life. Living with the fact it could happen again, at any moment. Driving past the places you fucked. You working for the same company you met her at. Sleeping with your filthy body. Touching you. Thinking of all the lies. Dying inside all the while. Swallowing this shit of a life. Knowing this is it forever. Knowing that as much as everyone always says they would die for their kids, you are....inside. Crumbling. Crushed. Broken. Lost. Alone. Scared. Anxious. Hiding...
I still hope the disgusting slut he slept with dies. I realize that's sick but I crave her death. I hope for her pain. If I knew her last name I'd work actively towards ruining her life. If I knew what she looked like aside from the picture of her gross tits I'd be on the look out for her constantly. I hate her. I hate her. I HATE HER!!!! The first person in my life I've ever felt that way about.
About 50% of the time I'm irritated and apathetic towards my husband. I don't have much respect for him anymore. I'm just so much stronger than him and genuinely think I'm a better person. I don't think he's very intelligent, in more than just the affair.
I started having dreams about other men. Something that's never happened in the 10 years I've been with my husband. I'm a fairly sexual person but I very rarely even fantasize about him anymore. Our sex life is fairly weak and infrequent now. I'm just mad. I'm mad that I'm left with this. This is my life now. No money, no job, in school, two kids, and a cheating POS husband that doesn't deserve me and my loyalty. How did it all come to this? I was so satisfied and content before, money, work, stress, nothing else mattered because we had so much fun together and loved eachother so much and had such a great time together in and out of bed. Apparently that was all a lie.
When I hear about people cheating now I'm so mad. My reaction towards them is absolutely disgust. 100%. And that's what I feel towards my husband sometimes. It's been nearly a year and I still am trying to overcome this hurdle. This revulsion towards him and what he is. A liar. A cheat. Dishonorable. This is my life.
Replies
Geez, I wish I could come drag you out for a GNO. You are better than your husband. He has alot to prove that he is worthy of you.
I have had all these feelings. I feel your pain. You are not alone.
I will hope for you something will move forward to give you more than just your kids to keep you in your marriage. I had a serious recurrence of anger leading up to a year out. Because all I had done was shove it down.
At 41, I have found exercise makes me feel better. ..after Im done. Exercise sux! But I have less feelings of uncontrolled anger.
It doesn\'t sound like you are satisfied with your husband\'s progress. Been there. My husband was in lala land about how drinking contributed to his problem. And about why he sought out attention from other women. We are renewed in this effort together. It is possible.
But, I hate that it\'s not my fault and yet every ounce of my being is damaged because of him. It is NOT our fault. I agree. FUCK THAT! Imperfect marriages are everywhere. That I will take responsibility for...but I was a kick ass wife too.
Stay focused on you and your needs. You deserve it.