It sucks being the survivor after 4 years of my loss.

I think it all sucks.  I am a 4 year survivor after the loss of my 2nd husband.  The first  husband I divorced as it was a very toxic and poisonous relationship.  My 2nd husband was my true love. How do you all do it?  Survive and be happy.  I still live in the same apartment.  I feel lost and alone and very much depressed.  My depression is circumstantial with the loss of my job in 2008 and the loss of my 2nd husband in 2009.  None of it is fair and I feel like screaming at times or throwing something against the wall.  It would not help.  How do you all do it?  Trying to find someone new at the age of 57 seems impossible. Although the extreme cougar wives on TV a 76 year old woman finds men all the time but it doesn't mean a good relationship just sex. There is a 53 years old woman with a 21 year old boy man.  Is it possible at my age and this time in my life?  I wonder all the time.  
I am an affectionate woman.  Its nice walking down the street hold hands with your man.  Its nice giving one another a peck on the lips when at home or somewhere else.  Its nice to roll over in bed knowing you man is right beside you.  Its nice to go out and do things together as a couple.  Its nice buying groceries together and selecting things off the shelf.  Its just nice having someone to do things with and all these things I miss greatly.  I can do it all by myself but its not so much fun doing things alone.  Its nice to come home to someone and tell them about your day and he tells you about his day.  Its nice to be missed when you are out of the house.
It sucks being a survivor.  From DB