It's tough to go on.
It's tough to go on i know. I think I hate the life I have now. I wAnt so bad to be with you now baby. I can't help,it. I miss you so bad. I don't know how much more I can take. I miss you so. I love you so. For my friends reading this don't worry I would never hurt myself but I hate the pain I'm in. I know you all are in the same pain. It sucks. It is hard. i feel im back at the beginning again. I just can't wait till God says, ok Jeff it's your time. Take me now God.
Replies
I\'m so sorry Jeff and hope this wave passes soon. I had a weekend of it last weekend, but it has lifted today. Just hang on until the griefstorm abates for a while.
All the best
Sandy
Jeff, I wish I could give you a big hug... I know how awful that \'hurry up and take me\' feeling is. It can hit at any time, for no reason or every reason. I hope it passes quickly for you today.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Thanks guys. It was a late night can\'t sleep feeling sorry for myself rant. I know you know..... Thanks for being there.....
First off a big Canadian hug to my Florida brother. Sounds like a nasty grief wave and yes I definitely know the emotional pain that goes with those. As you know Jeff even though we share many similar experiences in this grief journey it is also a very personal one with our own time frames in processing everything. For me it is only very very recently I can accept(I used to hate that word) my wife\'s passing. Now I will tell you what I mean by that. I now recognize she is with God and safe and at peace. Even though they say there is no marriage in heaven I dont believe love ever dies and we will be reunited someday. I also believe God left me here for a reason. Hating your life is totally understandable. It is not the type of life you or I asked for. What I try to do is look for glimpses of joy ie; nature, my dgts eyes, a new friendship just to name a few. I try to focus on the gratitude I have rather than the loss(it took me a long time to do this). Jeff you and I were both incredibly blessed with incredible woman. Of course our lives are changed forever. At one time I also asked God to take me, but the reality is he doesnt want me yet and there must be a reason. Even when accepting I still miss her everyday. But I try to move forward with dignity. I know I am still very much broken as I rebuild my life. The wisest words ever said here jeff is \'baby steps\'. It truly takes a long time to manage this grief process. Always here for you my friend. Message me anytime. Our struggles are very similar but I cling to my faith that better days are possible.
Thanks Gerry, I appreciate that. Yes it was a big wave that was building for a while. I honestly think it was a left over from the holidays. I do believe as you, time has taught me that. I believe I kinda know why God left me here. At least maybe a couple things. If I have told you this before feel free to skip ahead :)
A few months before Donna was diagnosed she wanted to find a church and start going again. We hadn\'t gone in a very long time. We moved here to Florida in 1995 and hadn\'t found nor really looked for a church. Well she found one and she and my mother, who was down for the winter, and our daughter in law started going. She was diagnosed in March and the last service she attended was Easter of 2012. After that she had surgery, and then chemo and was too sick to go. She wanted me to go and I was stubborn and didn\'t go. I really wish I had gone. One of those things I wish I could go back and change. She passed in Sept. 2012 and I went to the church she had chosen and asked if I could have her service there and of course the pastor said yes. The Sunday following her service I started going to that church and have gone ever since. I feel her there. In the past 2+ years I became a member and they elected me as one of their Elders. I also am their financial manager as I work in IT and they are an older congregation and aren\'t good with computers. So I think maybe God wanted me back.I know I needed Him again, especially now.
I think I am also here for my kids. My #2 son\'s wife is going through chemo for a tumor in her liver. My youngest is having issues with his job, and my oldest, his wife and grandson live with me. I plan on retiring in a couple years and I intend to help them buy their own house with part of my retirement. My current house is too big for one old person so I\'ll move in with them.
So that\'s the story, I think I\'ll have some use for a few years anyway and I acknowledge that. It\'s just some days are harder than others as you know. I don\'t have anyone new, nor am I looking. Not ruling it out, but can\'t imagine it now.
There may not be marriage in Heaven, i guess we will know for sure someday, but I do know I will see Donna again. That I am sure of.
Take care my friend, God Bless!!!
Jeff
I\'m sorry, Jeff, for your pain dealing with the loss of your wife. It\'s truly a roller coaster ride and the downs take our breath away. Sending prayers and peace to you. Sharon
Thanks Sharon I appreciate that. The past couple of days have been better, maybe starting up that coaster hill huh?