It's the smallest things that Smokey did that make me cry.

It's the smallest things that Smokey did that make me cry because I miss him so much.  Every other Christmas Smokey would buy me expensive perfume.  I have 3 little bottles left on my shelf.  I was putting some on this morning and realized that I was running out.  I cried as there is no Smokey to buy me more for Christmas.  Even now when I am writing this, I miss him so much and I cry.  Marty Robbins sings a song called "The Greatest Memory" about his love that left him.  I interpret the song as my greatest love Smokey who died and it makes me cry.  I have only listened to it once since Smokey died.  It is a good song for me to cry with when the mood strikes.  You would think it is all the big things that the one you lost would make you cry.  It is all the small little things that they did for you or with you that hit a person the hardest.  The circle of life for me is Smokey passed away on Sunday, November 15, 2010 and my daughter is expecting my first grandson/first grandchild on June 10, 2010 approximately.  I have something to look forward to this year.  It was a blessing in disguise at first.  She was not living or married to Grant, the father of her son.  They have since moved in with one another.  This past Wednesday Lisa found out the sex of her baby and Grant was really excited to have a son.  Lisa has made me feel involved ever since she moved in with Grant.  I have spent most weekends helping Lisa organize the apartment.  Two weeks ago the shelf Grant made to include Lisa fell down and Lisa's dresser from Ikea broke in the move. Grant has yet to fix these things.  Yesterday I helped Lisa organize the baby clothes.  It was so sweet to hold these tiny bits of clothes.  It made me smile.  Like I said, Lisa being pregnant couldn't have happened at a better time for me as it cheers me up during my grief.  The first three months were the absolute worst for me.  Even though I have to contend with looking for a job, it is not as bad as losing the love of your life, that is for sure.  I am still grieving but it is not affecting me the same way as the first three months, which hit me like a great giant hole in my heart or a tonne of bricks.  The heart is healing however slowly.  This is something that takes its own sweet time.  I still miss Smokey and the heart is still in pain.  What has changed is the degree of pain for me.  It still hurts there is no denying it.  There are some things that a person has to live with whether they like it or not.  When a loved one dies, it is something we have to endure.  The choice was taken from our hands.