It’s ok that you’re happy that you’re a little fucked up
I think the hardest part about life isn’t the curve balls, it’s the part of life that are straight. Where you can see exactly where you are going no matter if it is to a good or bad place.
I got back from my orthopedic appointment and I was so happy because they found traces of damage in my hip that they think are related to the RA. When I got in the car I immediately called my sister and told her the “good news”. She squealed with joy too knowing that the battle I was having with my mind was over, but then she said something that kind of hit home. “it’s ok that you’re happy that you’re a little fucked up”. I laughed and agreed, but when I got off the phone I sat there staring at the traffic and started to cry. I had been so happy that they found traced of damage…. DAMAGE! What I was happy about would send most into a state of shock. A state of realization.
I realized I wasn’t happy about the damage; I was happy because someone believed me enough to find proof. A doctor didn’t push me out the door or make me feel like I was going crazy. He didn’t think I was making up my symptoms or that I had been misdiagnosed. He just… believed me.
I felt for the first time in about a year that all this was going to get better. I cried because he had real solutions for my real problems, and didn’t just play me off as a 20 year old with no idea what was going on inside my own body.
We talked about the arthritis that he saw in my left hip and how he wanted an MRI to make sure no other damage was happening. He also gave me the option of a cortisone shot for some pain relief.
No longer will I feel worthless after explain what is happening because even though I am seronegative, I DO have damage and they CAN see it. My fingers DO swell and I AM in pain.
My rheumatoid arthritis doesn’t dictate who I am, but it can change the person I will become. I refuse to let my life be taken over by this stupid disease and make me feel more weak and worthless than it already has.
Because…. It’s ok that you’re happy that you’re a little fucked up…