it's ok. it's ok.....sweetie it's ok.........

time for reassurance.

slept since the journal this morning.  head pain, escape to sleep. 

cooking, but i don't want to.....cook, be in here.......so hot, miserable.  melting........

inflammation makes for a rocky road.  pray ruthie.  remember how?  fold your hands together and talk to GOD.

get lost when it's like this.  the inside out nightie of this morning.......yesterday Stella (housecleaning wonderful caring Stella) called about something, she heard it in my voice, that weakness.......she came by for a quick visit, what could she do.  i was so glad i wasn't a total grub schlub......she was reassuring, offered to make me a meal or tea......

i was overwhelmed by her kindness.  i'm so used to feeling like it's me against the world in this little house that celebrates the tiny sparrow.......brought tears to my eyes.  she let me find my composure and because she instinctively knew to do this, my tears stopped.........wish others could understand this and treat me with that kind of deference and understanding.  i've told my kids but they still don't quite get it.  you carry it on your own shoulders so much, mix that with pain and isolation and tears are bound to fall.

tears are a luxury, they steal from that small cache of limited energy.......can't do it for long.  can't afford it.

made a ground beef patty, i know i need to eat, but i don't feel very hungry.  but i need protein.......making some more mashed potatoes and some petite carrots.  you'd think i'd be od'd on this combo, but no, not yet.  i was too wasted to take off the skins, just glad i could cut them up and get them into the water.  maybe if i eat i'll gain some strength..........sometimes it works like that. sigh, small grin. 

there is a squirrel in the back yard enjoying a meal .....wonder what he found to eat.....or do i???? maybe not so much.  it's friday.  wait a minute, friday?  thought it was thursday all day......so confused.  oh dear.  i'd better call deb and leave a message on her actual cell phone.  out where she lives her cell phone doesn't work so it's harder to know how to reach her........left her a message on her computer/in her email, and with her roommates landline that i'm not up to going to a festival tomorrow..........sigh, life is hard sometimes huh............

helps to write, helps to push a little to feel and be and do.  wish i had a pocket pal that talks ......a tiny little pal to be my buddy at home during flares.  not tinkerbell or jiminy cricket but someone........maybe i can create my own animatead little friend to come and be my neighbor.....a nod to mr. rogers.

hugs, take care, ruthie